thepurplebook - Domestic Violence Prevention Centre

1 ThepurplebookDomestic Violence Prevention Centre Gold Coast Inc. PO Box 409, Southport, Queensland 4215 Graphic Design by Ignite Art & Design - and family Violence has a profound impact on individuals and families. We dedicate this resource to everyone who is or has been affected by Domestic and family : (07) 5532 9000 Administration: (07) 5591 4222 Facsimile: (07) 5571 1508 Email: Counselling: (07) 3807 9922 Administration: (07) 3807 6226 Facsimile: (07) 3807 2218 Email: WE DOThe Domestic Violence Prevention Centre Gold Coast offers FREE counselling, support, information and referral for women and their children who have or are experiencing Domestic and family service is confidential but a duty of care applies and information can be subpoenaed by a court with people in intimate relationships disagree about things from time to time and this is normal.

2 In a healthy relationship both parties treat each other as equals, both parties should be able to put forward their different points of view or concerns and feel comfortable discussing them together. In a relationship where Domestic and family Violence is present, it is very different as one person in the relationship uses abuse and/or Violence to control the other person through fear. If you are experiencing Domestic Violence , getting the right support to be safe is important. At the Domestic Violence Prevention Centre we recognise the challenges and barriers those who experience Domestic and family Violence may face. The service is free and confidential and provides support, information and referral. Violence against women and children is never acceptable and cannot be excused for any reason.

3 Women and children who experience it are not to blame for another s violent Purple Book contains general information that may assist you to make some decisions about your situation, however we recommend that you seek assistance and support. A list of useful numbers and websites is included at the back of the acknowledge the Queensland Government who provided the funding for the development and printing of the hope you find this resource informative and this Book1 Contents Healthy Relationships 4 - 5 What is Domestic Violence ? 6 - 7 Power and Control Wheel 8 - 9 The Cycle of Violence 10 - 11 Signs of a Abusive Relationship 12 - 16 Effects of Domestic Violence 17 Information for Aboriginal Women 18 Information for women from a CALD Background 18 Women with Disability 18 Information for Women in Same Sex Relationships 19 What about Women who use Violence 20 Domestic Violence during Pregnancy 21 Effects of Domestic Violence on Children 22 Impact of Domestic Violence on Parenting 23 Children s Domestic Abuse Wheel 24 Child or Adolescent to Mother Abuse 25 Section 1 Leaving a Violent Relationship 28 Post Separation Violence 29 Safety Planning 30 - 31 Refuges 32 Legal Protections 33 Service of a Protection Order 34 Reporting a Breach of the Order 35 Staying Safe 36 Shared Custody and Contacts 36 Ongoing Contact with Extended Family 36 Maintaining your Privacy

4 And Safety 37 Safety Tips for Smartphones 38 Looking After Yourself Emotionally 39 - 40 I feel like I want to return to the relationship 40 Section 2If you have left or are thinking about leaving the Relationship Choosing to Stay and being Safe 42 A plan to avoid serious injury during a violent incident 42 Getting Support 43 Legal Protection 44 Child Protection Issues 44 What about Couples Counselling? 45 What about anger management programs? 45 Specialised Perpetrator Programs 45 - 46 Coping with Pressure from Friends and Family 46 Section 3If you are still in the Relationship4 Useful Contact Numbers 48 - 51 Useful Websites 52 Section 132In a healthy relationship power is shared equally between both parties, neither partner has to be in control of the other. Trust and love is built by equality between the parties feel comfortable, safe and are treated with respect.

5 There is never abuse or Violence in the ABUSE INTERVENTION PROJECT 202 East Superior Street, Duluth, Minnesota 55802 218-722-2781 NonViolence Equality WheelHealthy RelationshipsNonViolenceNegotiation and Fairness Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict Accepting change Being willing to BehaviourTalking and acting so that she feels safe and comfortable expressing herself and doing Listening to her non judgementally Being emotionally affirming and understanding Valuing and Support Supporting her goals in life Respecting her right to her own feelings, friends, activities and and Accountability Accepting responsibility for self Acknowledging past use of Violence Admitting being wrong Communicating openly and Parenting Sharing parental responsibilities Being a positive non-violent role model for the Responsibility Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work Making family decisions Partnership Making money decisions together Making sure both partners benefit from financial is Domestic Violence ?

6 What is Domestic Violence ?Threats and Intimidation are key elements in Domestic Violence and are powerful ways to control you and make you feel powerless and afraid. This can include smashing things, destroying possessions, putting a fist through the wall, handling of guns, knives or other weapons, using intimidating body language (angry looks, raised voice), hostile questioning of, reckless driving of vehicle. They may also threaten to commit suicide or harm or take the children. It may also include harassing you at your workplace, persistent phone calls or sending text messages or emails, following you to and from work, or loitering near your workplace or abuse: Includes screaming, swearing, shouting, put-downs, name-calling, and using sarcasm, ridiculing your beliefs, opinions or cultural background.

7 It is aimed at destroying your sense of abuse: Includes pushing, shoving, hitting, slapping, strangulation, hair-pulling, punching etc. and can involve the use of weapons including guns, knives or other abuse: Behaviour that deliberately undermines your self-esteem and confidence, leading you to believe you are stupid, or a bad mother , useless going crazy or are insane. Threats may include harm to you, self, children or others or silence and withdrawal as a means to abuse. This type of abuse humiliates, degrades and abuse: Includes isolating you from your social networks and supports either by preventing you from having contact with family or friends or by verbally or physically abusing you in public or in front of others. It may be continually putting friends and family down so you slowly disconnect from your support abuse: Results in you being financially dependent.

8 It includes being denied access to money, including your own, demanding that you and the children live on inadequate resources. It can also include being forced to sign loans and being responsible for debts that you have not incurred. Sexual abuse: Includes a range of unwanted sexual behaviours including forced sexual contact, rape, forcing you to perform sexual acts that cause pain or humiliation, forcing you to have sex with others, or causing injury to your sexual and Spiritual abuse: Includes ridiculing or putting down your beliefs and culture, preventing you from belonging to, or taking part in a group that is important to your spiritual beliefs, or practising your religion. Other forms of abuse may include:Controlling behaviours: Includes dictating what you do, not allowing you to express your feelings or thoughts, not allowing you any privacy, forcing you to go without food or water.

9 Separation Violence : Often after the relationship has ended Violence may continue, this can be a very dangerous time for you because the perpetrator may perceive a loss of control and may become more unpredictable. During and after separation is often a time when Violence will escalate leaving you more unsafe than previously. Stalking: Stalking includes loitering around places you are known to frequent, watching you, following you, making persistent telephone calls, emails, texts and sending mail including unwanted love letters, cards and gifts. Cyber Abuse: The use of social media, emails or technology to stalk abuse or intimidate you. It might include posting pictures, videos or information about you. Spousal homicide: The death of the victim directly attributed to Domestic Violence . 7 to 10 women murdered in Australia are victims of family Violence .

10 ( Chan and Payne 2013)76 PHYSICAL Violence SEXUALPHYSICAL Violence SEXUALD omestic Violence generally occurs as a pattern of behaviours that are linked by power and control. This means that one person in the relationship intentionally and deliberately rules by fear, suppresses the others free will, intimidates, coerces and threatens to or actually does harm to the other, as a way and means to control or have power over and Control is at the Centre of the Wheel. Each spoke of the Wheel represents a particular tactic which may be used by the person who is using control. The rim of the Wheel that holds it together is actual and threatened physical and sexual Coercion and Threats Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her Threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, to report her to welfare Making her drop charges Making her do illegal Economic Abuse Preventing her from getting or keeping a job Making her ask for money Giving her an allowance Taking her money Not letting her know about or have access to family Male Privilege Treating her like a servant Making all the big decisions Acting like the master of the castle Being the one to define men s and women s Children Making her feel guilty about the children Using the children to relay messages Using visitation to harass her Threatening to take the children.