PERPETUATING CAPITALISM AT UNIVERSITY OF ROCHESTER …

1 Christmas Times FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2022 / VOLUME 148 SPECIAL EDITION. PERPETUATING CAPITALISM AT UNIVERSITY OF ROCHESTER SINCE 1873 / By MEGHAN BROWNE. INTREPID JOURNALIST. The Flags are Back! up, Megan Browne, who is famously known for having the SA Presidency stolen There are two things that from them, said. We at the the class of '22 and '23 can Campus Times would like say they have in common. to take this time to demand First, a completely COVID- Elections Coordinator Gar- free semester. Second, see- rett Briggs recount the vote ing the flag display in the of the 2021 Presidential Hirst Lounge. Now, under- Election and finally restore classmen can witness the power to Browne, who was flag lounge in all its glory. rightfully and democratical- Despite President Man- ly elected by the people. glesdorf announcing last When we reached out semester that the flag to President Manglesdorf, display would not return to the CT received an out-of- Hirst Lounge against the office message saying that Flag Advisory Committee's she was busy complaining (FAC) recommendation to about her latte not being keep the flags up, students wet enough.

2 Were shocked to find Hirst The Flags as currently displayed in Hirst Lounge. CHI HUANG / CONTRIBUTING PHOTOGRAPHER Sources have also told the Lounge once again decorat- about this change. super sneaky removal of communication is all too CT that there's suspicion ed with flags over the wob- I was just as shocked as the flags by administration, characteristic of both their that this entire act might bly retired Gleason tables. anyone. I was all the way by despite students on the first boyfriend and Univer- be an elaborate April Fools'. John Smith, current SA the vending machines wait- committee wanting to keep sity President Sarah Man- day prank. But what kind Campus Life Chair, said ing for my Starbucks and I them up. glesdorf. of immature, informa- that, in typical fashion, no looked over to see all of the While the display of the I mean, she didn't tell tion-holding entity would one in the Students' Asso- flags back.

3 Smith told the flags might have surprised us when she was going ever do such a dubious ciation or many advisors in Campus Times. students, there seems to to take them down, she thing? Wilson Commons Student This April will mark the be a consensus among wasn't going to tell us that Brown is a member of Activities had been notified second anniversary of the students that this lack of she was putting them back The class of 2023. Bumblebee A Yellowjacket Grounds Crew Exposed for Hosting a By MELIORA EARLE. A MENACE. Groundhog Fight Ring By SARAH WOODCHUCK. ASPIRING GROUNDHOG. was supposed to disappear, on something other than the even going so far as to partner pandemic. No one had thought with some of the ecology pro- The groundhogs didn't much of the strange rum- Last week an anonymous fessors to learn how to com- hold back: All were vying for blings from one of the whistleblower reached out municate rudimentarily with the coveted position of the Gold Line shuttles before to the Campus Times with their new friends.

4 Quarantine hill behind Sue B. (or as an it ran into some engine shocking footage of a fight did weird things to people. art major thinks of it: the hill trouble last Thursday between two groundhogs (or The crew noticed that the in front of Sage). After many night. It started to shake groundbois) UR's beloved groundhogs were very aggres- rounds of fighting, the top and spark at the wheel, RACHEL KAMATA / MANGAKA. unofficial mascot in a min- so the driver pulled to the Possible? In frustration, sive when fighting for domi- spot was claimed by Flopsy. side of the road and every- iature boxing ring, with sev- nance over their territory on The campus was further di- the red-head said NO! one hauled ass out of the The shuttle is a freaking eral grounds crew members campus. So, what better way vided into separate swaths, shuttle. Passengers were Transformer!

5 The bus cheering in the background. to settle these territorial dis- including Fauver Stadium, shocked because out of driver then explained, Oh. The whistleblower told CT putes than through an orga- Wilson Quad, Eastman Quad, anything they would have I don't really watch Star that during the summer of nized fighting ring? Grounds and the land surrounding the guessed to be haunted, it Wars,' I could never get 2020, the UR Grounds crew crew members crafted a Interfaith Chapel. The loser, would have been Wilson into it. had a lot of extra time on groundhog-size appropri- Professor Schnookums, end- Commons from the long- their hands, and thus decided ate boxing ring for the fur- ed up with the brick and con- lost ghost of people caring It was revealed to explore the many ground- ry rascals, and invited them crete jungle of the Engineer- about the Student Associa- tion.

6 The bus continued to that, yes, the hog tunnels via a remote to Fauver Stadium to settle ing Quad. jump and started flashing, Administration was controlled car with a GoPro the issues among this rowdy CT reached out to UR. until it transformed into a well aware that the attached. They discovered generation of groundhogs. Grounds for comments and weaponized mechatronic an intricate series of tunnels Bets were placed among the has not received a response. being. shuttle was a sentient filled with more groundhogs humans, with some risking We have, however, received robot being.' (Marmota monax, for the their entire stimulus check. some comments from the The bus continued nerds out there) than they Brackets were drafted, as the groundhogs themselves. Ac- to jump and started Questions arose as to ever expected. Grounds crew basketball fans who had been cording to one professor who flashing, until it how no one knew that a members became fascinat- denied their annual March has dubbed themselves the Gold Line shuttle was ac- ed with the lives of these se- Madness got hyped up for the groundhog whisperer, the transformed into tually a Transformer, until cretive creatures during that potential to blame their losses majority of the groundhog a weaponized it was revealed that, yes, summer where COVID-19 community is still happy with mechatronic being.

7 ' the Administration was the results from 2020, but well aware that the shuttle The bystanders turned was a sentient robot being. there are whisperings of a to a red-headed passenger The UR President's Office groundhog revolution com- in shock. Ms. Frizzle? released the statement be- ing from those with less than the bus driver whispered low to clarify the Univer- satisfactory territory. Will in awe, to which the red- sity's stance on the matter there be an all-out war once head replied, What the . (for once): they all emerge from hiberna- no! It's a when she Earle is a member of tion? was promptly cut off by a the class of 2023. Woodchuck is a member passenger shouting, Kim SEE BUS PAGE 2. of the class of 2023. SUNAHRA TANVIR / STAFF ILLUSTRATOR. INSIDE ERRORS BY THE. LAYOUT TEAM. TWO REAL ADS CT GETS OVER. IN A FAKE PAPER 100 CLICKS. MEN'S RIGHTS. A CAPELLA.

8 THIS CT PAGE J PRINT PAGE 2 ADS GOOGLE ANALYTICS PAGE 9 WEDDINGS. PAGE 2 / FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2022. CAMPUS CRIMES. Fight Fight Fuck You Up Club By MELIORA EARLE for years. Keep your Yellow I spend hours on my complex no knives, and two, to fight, ever it is, I hope Optics wins. A MENACE. Jackets, Treble-wannabes math homework,' or I have you have to fill out the CCC President Sarah Mangels- and Anna Kendricks, this is 300 pages due by the end of form for attendance. Stu- dorf is scheduled to appear The UR Students' Associa- for every person you have the week' don't help things. dents will fight to the death at the event, where she will tion (SA) has announced a rejected from your somewhat But no one is going to listen to Rico Nasty, whose music lead the opening ceremony. brawl night that will take exclusive cults. UR a cappella to the facts, which is that they researchers say leads to 65% The UR President's Office has place this upcoming Friday groups feel like what every- made a decision to take that more people considering given the Campus Times a where students can finally one thinks Greek Life is, and class and study that major, jumping a fraternity brother.

9 Sneak peek at Mangelsdorf's settle their differences with that includes the wild hazing and therefore chose to do According to some of the stu- speech. other majors via these hands, that comes with it. that work! What is pretty dents planning this brawl, the Meloria! For those who so we can all stop hearing The best debates are settled hard to ignore, though, is music choice should provide don't know me, I am your their rants on why their ma- through violence, which is when these fists of fury clock The Smack-a-Bitch' energy God, Sarah C. Mangelsdorf. jors are better. Thank god. why SA decided to host this you in the mouth. Show, needed this D-Day if Rico Yes, most of you know me Students will meet their opportunity for students. don't tell, as the high school Nasty is chosen to perform. from my daily Starbuck foes in the abandoned swim- One senator commented on English teachers or mean One of the most anticipated trips, but for those of you ming pool in Spurrier, Pitch the choice saying, The stu- Campus Times editors who bouts is between the Optics who don't Meliora!

10 Let the Perfect -style, as a special dent body is pretty stressed cut down my pieces with a and Physics majors, where it' games begin, and may the fuck you to a cappella groups out by the time April comes machete say. will finally be settled. Neither odds be ever in your favor! . who have been campaig- around, and passive aggres- There will only be two side has chosen to describe Earle is a member of ing to have a riff-off there sive comments such as, Well, rules for these brawls: One, what it' actually is, but what- the class of 2023. BUS FROM PAGE 2. The UNIVERSITY of Roch- ester has been aware that the one of the shuttles our community takes is actually a weapon of mass destruc- tion. Funny enough, we got the bus at a huge dis- count because it was pretty messed up, which must have been from battle dam- age, but that was unknown to us at the time.