A LifeCare Guide to - Lifesharing

1 A LifeCare Guide toGriefandBereavementThis publication is for general informational purposes only and is not intendedto provide any user with specific authority, advice or 2001 LifeCare , Inc. All rights , Inc. is a worldwide leader in professional work and life on recycled paper. CCover Photo by: Bill Brooks/MasterfileTreasure each other in the recognition that we donot know how long we should have each other. Joshua Loth Liebman}~Thanks go to the following professionals for their contributions and editorialsupport:Nancy E. Crump, Coordinator of Aftercare ServicesCertified Grief Newcomer s Sons1331 Brush Creek BoulevardKansas City, MO 64110 Telephone: 816-561-0024 Fax: 816-931-7246 Stewart Enterprises, Veterans BoulevardMetairie, LA 70005 Telephone: 800-535-6017 Fax: 504-849-2294 Table of ContentsIntroduction.

2 5 When Does Grief Begin? ..7 Terminal Illness ..8 Unexpected Deaths ..10 Understanding the Grieving Process ..11 The Grief Process ..12 Symptoms Associated With Grief ..13As Grief Evolves ..17 Mourning Specific Losses ..19 Loss of a Spouse or Partner ..20 Loss of a Parent as an Adult ..21 Loss of a Sibling ..23 Loss of a Child ..23 Loss of a Friend ..24 Loss of a Pregnancy ..25 Loss of a Co-Worker ..25 Loss of a Pet ..25 Changes in Relationships ..27 Relationships With Family Members ..28 Relationships With Friends ..28 Relationships With Co-Workers ..28 Spiritual Relationships ..29 Taking Care of Yourself.

3 31 Identify Your Needs ..32 Have Realistic Expectations and Be Patient With Yourself ..32 Talk About Your Grief ..33 Rely on Others ..33 Take Care of Your Body ..33 Put Off Major Decisions ..35 Join a Support Group ..35 Seek Professional Help ..36 Remembering Your Loved One ..39 Develop and Use Rituals ..40 Holidays and Anniversaries ..40As Time Goes On ..41 Suggested Reading on Grief and Bereavement ..43 Helpful ResourcesIndexPage 5If you are reading this Guide , you have probably lost a loved one an event that canbe devastating to you and those close to you. Grieving is a personal and uniqueprocess.

4 There are no right or wrong ways to grieve, but there are ways of gettingsupport and taking care of yourself that can ease your feelings of loss. This guideincludes practical information on feelings associated with grief; mourning specificIntroduction I will open my heart intrust that, In ways I do not nowunderstand, My loved one will continueto be present in my life. Martha WhitmoreHickmanA LifeCare Guide to Grief and BereavementPage 6losses; changes in relationships; taking care of yourself; and remembering yourloved one. The more you learn about grief and bereavement, the better you will beable to cope during this difficult time and in the years to come.

5 If you would likeinformation on how to help someone else cope with the loss of a loved one, pleaserefer to A LifeCare Guide to Helping Others Cope With 7 The process of grief is unique to each individual who experiences it. Themoment you begin to grieve for a loved one may depend on many differentcircumstances, such as whether the death was sudden and unexpected orwhether it occured after a prolonged terminal illness. When Does Grief Begin? The most essentialthing in life is todevelop an unafraid,heartfelt communi-cation with others,and it is never moreimportant than witha dying person. Sogyal RinpocheA LifeCare Guide to Grief and BereavementPage 8 Terminal IllnessWhat many people don t real-ize is that grieving can beginsimply with the realization thatyour loved one will die.

6 Theminute the doctor says there isan abnormality on the mam-mogram, or a suspicious spoton the lung X-ray, fear sets in. What if this is serious? What if he has cancer? What if she dies? This is thegrief process fearing the loss,and reacting emotionally to thereality of the threat It can tbe, there must be some mis-take, or This isn t right! Aroller coaster of emotional ex-periences from hope todespair may begin when you first hear the news, and can continue over the courseof the illness and long after the passing of your loved with a terminal illness may leave you feeling many things. Along with thedifficulty and demands of the illness and the impending death, there is may find that the diagnosis forces you to stop and think about your relationshipin new ways.

7 You may make different choices than you might have otherwise,such as spending more time with your loved one, sharing things that you neverhave before, expressing your love directly, or resolving old conflicts. Caring for aterminally ill loved one can give you a sense of connection and the ability to sharelove. And, having had the opportunity to say goodbye can provide a great senseof the same time, watching the physicaleffects of a disease take their toll on yourloved one can be difficult. If you are also hisor her caregiver, the round-the-clock physi-cal demands can be exhausting as well. As aresult, after your loved one s death, youronly clear memories may be of your lovedone s decline and suffering.

8 In time, howev-er, memories of the good times you shared,and of the person he or she was before theillness, will resurface. Along with the difficulty anddemands of the illness and theimpending death, there is op-portunity. You may find thatthe diagnosis forces you tostop and think about yourrelationship in new 9 Grieving involves mourning the losses that occur as your loved one becomes weakerand sicker, and mourning the anticipated death. Following are some suggestions forhow to cope if your loved one is terminally When Caring for a Terminally Ill Loved One Share others offer to help, accept. If they askwhat they can do, give them specific tasks bringing over dinner, sittingwith your loved one to give you a break, making phone calls whatever itis you need.

9 This is no time to be totally independent; you ll wear your-self out. Seek regularly with a friend or family member about howyou are feeling and managing; seek professional help from a counselor,therapist or clergy member; or join a support group. Sharing your emo-tions with others may help relieve some of the stress you may be feeling.(For more information on professional help and support groups, pleaserefer to the chapter Taking Care of Yourself.) Resolve to work through any conflicts, old or new, inyour relationship with your loved one. Recognize and respect your lovedone s opinions and put them in perspective.

10 Some conflicts may no longerseem important. Share what is your loved one what he or she means toyou and say things that may have gone too long unsaid. This can be veryfulfilling for both of the difficulty of communicating with a terminally ill loved one can addto your feelings of helplessness or anxiety. Consider the following suggestions forcommunicating with your loved With a Terminally Ill Loved One Ask your loved one what you can to your loved one abouthis or her personal wishes. Are there any projects he or she wants com-pleted such as a garden or a family album? If you feel comfortable, thismay be a good time to discuss your loved one s preferences about funeralarrangements.