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Big Book - Personal Stories - Part III - They Lost Nearly ...

Part 11/20/13 3:40 PM Page 433 THEY LOST Nearly ALLThe fifteen Stories in this group tell of alcoholism at itsmiserable tried everything hospitals, special treatments,sanitariums, asylums, and jails. Nothing worked. Lone -liness, great physical and mental agony these were thecommon lot. Most had taken shattering losses on nearlyevery front of life. Some went on trying to live with wanted to had respected nobody, neither rich nor poor,learned nor unlettered. All found themselves headed for thesame destruction, and it seemed they could do nothingwhatever to stop sober for years, they tell us how they got well. Theyprove to almost anyone s satisfaction that it s never too lateto try Alcoholics 11/20/13 3:40 PM Page 435(1)MY BOTTLE, MY RESENTMENTS,AND MEFrom childhood trauma to skid row drunk, this hobofinally found a Higher Power, bringing sobriety and along-lost i rodeinto a small mountain town inan empty freight car, my matted beard andfilthy hair would have reached Nearly to my belt, ifI d had a belt.

The fifteen stories in this group tell of alcoholism at its miserable worst. Many tried everything—hospitals, special treatments, sanitariums, asylums, and jails. Nothing worked. Lone - liness, great physical and mental agony—these were the common lot. Most had taken shattering losses on nearly every front of life.

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Transcription of Big Book - Personal Stories - Part III - They Lost Nearly ...

1 Part 11/20/13 3:40 PM Page 433 THEY LOST Nearly ALLThe fifteen Stories in this group tell of alcoholism at itsmiserable tried everything hospitals, special treatments,sanitariums, asylums, and jails. Nothing worked. Lone -liness, great physical and mental agony these were thecommon lot. Most had taken shattering losses on nearlyevery front of life. Some went on trying to live with wanted to had respected nobody, neither rich nor poor,learned nor unlettered. All found themselves headed for thesame destruction, and it seemed they could do nothingwhatever to stop sober for years, they tell us how they got well. Theyprove to almost anyone s satisfaction that it s never too lateto try Alcoholics 11/20/13 3:40 PM Page 435(1)MY BOTTLE, MY RESENTMENTS,AND MEFrom childhood trauma to skid row drunk, this hobofinally found a Higher Power, bringing sobriety and along-lost i rodeinto a small mountain town inan empty freight car, my matted beard andfilthy hair would have reached Nearly to my belt, ifI d had a belt.

2 I wore a lice-infested, grimy Mexicanponcho over a reeking pajama top, and a raggedpair of jeans stuffed into cowboy boots with no carried a knife in one boot and a .38revolver in theother. For six years I d been fighting for survival onskid rows and riding across the country in freights. Ihadn t eaten in a long time, so was half starved anddown to 130pounds. I was mean and I was , I m ahead of myself. I believe my alcoholismreally began when I was eleven years old and mymother was brutally murdered. Until then my life hadbeen much the same as any of the other boys wholived in a small town during that night my mother failed to return home fromher job at a car manufacturing plant.

3 The next morn-ing there was still no sign of her or any clue to whyshe had disappeared; with great apprehension the police were called. Since I was a mama s boy, this wasespecially traumatic for me. And to make 11/20/13 3:40 PM Page 437 unbelievably worse, a few days later the police cameand arrested my father. They had found mom s muti-lated body in a field outside of town and wanted toquestion him. In that instant the family life I knewwas destroyed! My father was soon returned becausethe police had found a pair of glasses that did not be-long to him at the murder scene. This clue led to theman who had so brutally killed my school the gossip was vicious.

4 At home there waschaos and no one would tell me what was happening,so I withdrew and began to block out the realityaround me. If I could pretend it didn t exist, it mightgo away. I became extremely lonely and defiant. Theconfusion, pain, and grief had begun to subside whenan article appeared in a murder mystery magazineabout my family s misfortune. The children at schoolstarted the gossip and scrutiny all over again. I re-treated further and became angrier and more with-drawn. It was easier that way, because people wouldleave me alone if I acted disturbed even before theytried to my father was unable to care for all nine ofus, the family had to be split up.

5 About a year later heremarried, and my oldest brother offered to take mein. He and his new wife tried to help me, but I wasjust so defensive there was little they or anyone elsecould do. Finally, I took a job after school sorting sodabottles in a grocery store, where I found I could for-get if I worked hard enough. In addition, it was a goodplace to steal beer and be a big guy with the other kidsin school. That s the way my drinking began, as a wayto make the pain go several years of semidelinquent adolescence, I438 ALCOHOLICS 11/20/13 3:40 PM Page 438was old enough to join the marines. Leaving behindthe origin of my bitterness, I thought my life would bebetter and the drinking not so bad.

6 However, duringboot camp, I recognized that this was not the discipline, the authority, the tight schedule wentagainst my very nature, but it was a two-year stint, sothere had to be a way to function in spite of theanger and now hatred that seethed through me. Everynight found me at a bar drinking until they threw meout. That got me through the week; on weekends wewent to a club nearby. This place was managed bypeople who drank as much as or more than I did. I be-came a constant customer. Arguments and fights werea regular managed to complete the two years, was given anhonorable discharge, and was sent on my way. Leavingthe marine base behind and feeling homesick for my oldenvirons, I hitchhiked back to my old hometown andreturned to my brother s home.

7 I soon found work asa painter for a construction company in town. By nowdrinking had become a constant part of my some friends I met a woman I really caredfor and soon we were married. A year later our daugh-ter was born, and eventually two boys. Oh, how Iloved my brood! This nice little family should havesettled me down, but instead my drinking finally reached the point where I was intolerable tolive with, and my wife filed for divorce. I just wentberserk, and the sheriff ordered me to leave town. Iknew if I stayed, my anger at my wife for taking thosechildren away from me would get me into more trou-ble than even I could handle, so once again I set BOTTLE, MY RESENTMENTS, AND 11/20/13 3:40 PM Page 439I left with my hatred, resentment, and the clothes onmy back.

8 This time for the largest city close by I could be found, deadbroke, drinking myself into oblivion on skid row. Atfirst a day-labor job provided for rent and food, butbefore long all the money had to go for booze. I founda mission where someone in need could sleep and eatfree. But the bugs were so bad, the food so terrible,and people were such thieves, I decided that it waseasier to just sleep outside and that I really didn tneed to eat so often. So I found that hobo jungles,parked cars, and abandoned houses made nice placesfor my bottle, my resentments, and me. No one daredto bother me! I was utterly bewildered at where lifehad taken hobos I met taught me the safest way to hopon a moving freight train and how to protect told me who were the easiest people to get ahandout from and how to scam them.

9 My biggestproblem at that time was to find a way to get enoughto drink to keep the reality of my life at bay. I was con-sumed by hate! For the next six years I went from skidrow to skid row. One boxcar headed in any directionwas as good as another. I had no place to go. Onething about it, I never got lost, because I never caredwhere I was! I crossed the United States three times,with no plan, no reason, not eating half the time. Ihung out with other misfits like myself. Someonewould say they were hiring in Florida, or New York, orWyoming, and off we d go. But by the time we wouldfinally get there, they would say they were not hiringanymore. That was all right, because we didn t want towork 11/20/13 3:40 PM Page 440 One scorching day, when I was in a desert towndrinking, something unusual happened.

10 I felt asthough I had reached the point where I couldn t goon. To get away from everyone I managed to findsome booze and started walking out into the desert,thinking, I ll just go until I die. Soon, so drunk Icouldn t walk another step, I fell to the ground andmoaned, Oh, God! Please help me. I must havepassed out because, hours later, I came to and foundmy way back to town. At the time I had no idea whatmade me change my mind about death. Today I knowit was that my Higher Power took over my this time I was so wild-eyed and filthy, peoplewould shy away from me. I hated the look of fearon their faces when they saw me. They looked at meas if I were not human, and maybe I wasn t.


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