Book Notes - Peace education

1 1 Book NotesforCrucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are HighPatterson, Grenny, McMillan & Switzler 2002 Notes compiled by Jim Force Enterprises purpose of these Notes is to provide an in-depth overview of the content of thisimportant book. Crucial Conversations can be purchased online from McGraw Hill or Chapters @ or Amazon@ .You are also invited to visit the Crucial Conversations website Chapter 1: What s a Crucial Conversation? And Who Cares?Crucial Conversation: A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes arehigh, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run strong (p.)

2 3) and the outcome greatlyimpacts their Ways of handling crucial conversations:Avoid them and handle them them and handle them Reasons for handling crucial conversations poorly(1) Biology: high adrenaline, high blood flow to arms and legs (fight or flight), low bloodflow to brain.(2) They arise without warning: catch us by surprise.(3) Confusion: they required us to improvise, often without rehearsal time.(4) Self-defeating behavior: we do or say the wrong thing, something that makes Claim:Mastering crucial conversations kick-starts your career, strengthens yourrelationships, improves your health (p.

3 9).People who are most influential, who get things done are those who have masteredcrucial performance companies result more from employees mastering crucialconversations than from performance-management systems (pp. 10-11).3 Responses to heated discussions:threats and openly, honestly and effectively (p. 13).Chapter 2: Mastering Crucial Conversations: The Power of dialogue At the core of every successful conversation lies the free flow of relevant information (p. 20). dialogue : The free flow of meaning between two or more people (p.

4 20).Pool of Shared MeaningComposed of thoughts and feelings: ours and theirs Informs us and propels us into actionSuccessful dialogue results when everyone feels safe enough to add theirmeaning to the shared pool of meaning (p. 21). Where bosses are smart, highly paid, confident, and outspoken ( most of theworld), people tend to hold back their opinions rather than risk angering someonein a position of power (p. 22).Shared meaning enhances people willingness to act on their 3: Start with Heart: How to Stay Focused on What You Really WantIn crucial conversations dialogue is always an option (p.

5 30).When feeling threatened people tend to create a new goal of goals include:Saving that return you to dialogue :What do I really want for myself?What do I really want for others?What do I really want for the relationship?How would I behave if I really wanted these results?Deviations from Starting with Heart Wanting to WinSeeking RevengeHoping to Remain SafeSucker s Choice, simplistic tradeoffs that keep us from thinking creatively of ways toget to dialogue , and that justify our silly games (p. 39).Breaking out of the sucker s choiceMoving from either/or mentality to an and mentalityClarify what you really what you really don t your brain with a more complex to ask in places where dialogue doesn t/can t happen:Isn t there anyone you know who is able to hold a high-risk conversationin a way that solves the problem and builds relationships at the same time?

6 Chapter 4: Learn to Look: How to Notice When Safety Is a RiskDual-Processing during crucial conversations:Watching for content (what)Watching for conditions (why)3 different conditions:The moment the conversation turns crucialSigns that people don t feel safeYour own Style Under StressSpotting Crucial Conversations4 Notice physical signalsBody responses: sweaty hands, dry mouth or eyes, emotional signalsAnger tightness of shoulders and neckHurt tightness of chestFear tightness of stomachNotice behavioral signalsRaising of voicePointing of fingerBecoming quietLook for Safety ProblemsWatch for signs that people are afraid Nothing kills the flow of meaning [ dialogue ] like fear (p.)

7 49).Fear reduces your ability to see beyond back from content and watching for fear opens your ability to unsafe people resort to either silence or : purposefully withholding information from the to avoid creating a restricts the flow of forms of silenceMASKING: understating or selectively showing what you actually , Sugarcoating, Couching, : not addressing the real the subject, Shifting the focus to others, : not engaging in the conversation any the conversation or room all : convincing, controlling, or compelling others to your safety by forcing meaning into the poolCommon forms of violenceCONTROLLING: coercing others to your way of thinking5 Cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes,dominating the : stereotyping or categorizing , generalizingATTACKING: belittling or threatening the other Handy s story of what happens when we fail to self-monitor: People were always talking about how mean this guy was who lived on ourblock.

8 But I decided to go see for myself. I went to his door, but he said hewasn t the mean guy, the mean guy lived in that house over there. No, youstupid idiot, I said, that s my house. (p. 55)To become a self-monitor pay attention toWhat you are doingThe impact it is havingThen alter your behavior as necessaryBecome aware of your style under stressSee Style Under Stress Test page 56 or visit the Crucial Conversationsweb site Chapter 5: Make It Safe: How to Make It Safe to Talk about Almost AnythingMaking it safe to dialogueWorst at it: ignore the need for safetyExpress what is on their minds without regard for how it will be receivedGood at it.

9 Recognize safety is at risk, but do the wrong thingWater down their content, which avoids the real problemBest at it: step out of content, make it safe, then Purpose:First condition for safetyEntry condition for dialogue Mutual Purpose means that others perceive that we are working toward a commonoutcome in the conversation, that we care about their goals, interests, and values. Andvice versa. We believe they care about ours (p. 69).When purpose is at risk, conversations evolve into include: defensiveness, hidden agendas, accusations, circling back to thesame for determining when Mutual Purpose is at risk:Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?

10 Do they trust my motives? Mutual Respect is the continuance condition of dialogue (p. 71).When respect is lost the conversation becomes about defending creates highly charged is always possible to find a way to respect another s basic doesn t mean acceptance or agreement with other s prayer: Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I (p. 72).Rebuild Mutual Purpose or Mutual Respect in the following ways:(1) Apologize when you have made a mistake that has negatively effected means giving up saving face, being right, or winning.