F 0 L 0 - Harper's Magazine

1 F0L0 Onthe(nearlylethal)comfortsof aluxurycruiseBY oAUIOFOSTERIllALLA[ETHEFOUR-COLORBROCHUR E, haveseenanall-redferentmakesof haveheardsteelleisuresuitwithflaredlapel s.[ havesmelleddrumsandeatenconchfrittersand watchedasuntanlotionspreadover2,100pound sof horwomanin havebeenaddressedas "Man" theceilingto thetwo-fourbeatof500upscaleAmericansdanc ethethesamediscomusicI haveseensunsetsingat theceilingto in havelearnedthatthereareI have(verybriefly)joinedaactuallyintensit iesof haveeat-I haveseena lotof haveseenschoolsofI'veevereaten, haveduringa weekwhenI'vealsoseenandsmelledall145cats insidelearnedthedifferencebetweentheErne stHemingwayresidencein Key"rolling"in heavyseasand"pitching"West, nowknowthedifferencebe-in havehearda haveseencruise-shipcomediantellfolks,wit houtirony,fluorescentluggageandfluoresce ntsunglasses"Butseriously."I haveseenfuchsiapantsuitsDavidFosterWalla ceis a contributingeditorofHarper' ,InfiniteJest,willbe pub-lishedby Little,Brownin 's,"Tickettothe Fair,"appearedin the I~~.]]

2 LllUSTROT;OriSBV TOmGOORETTfOLIO)J' ~ >~~ haveseenprofessionalblackjackdeal-ersso lovelytheymakeyouwantto 'sGuestRelationsDeskwhethersnorkelingnec essitatesgettingwet,whetherthetrapshooti ngwillbeheldoutside,whetherthecrewsleeps onboard, nowknowtheprecisemixocologicaldifference be-tweena SlipperyNippleanda have,inoneweek,beentheobjectof over1, havemetCruiseStaffwiththemonikers"MojoMi ke,""Cocopuff,"and"DavetheBingoBoy."I havefeltthefullclothyweightof a havejumpedadozentimesat theshattering,flatulence-of-the-gods-lik esoundof a cruiseship' mah-jonggandlearnedhowto securea lifejacketovera havelearnedwhatit is to be-comeafraidof one' havenowheard-andampowerlessto nowknowthemaximumcruisingspeedof acruiseshipin knots(thoughI neverdidgetclearonjustwhata knotis).I haveheardpeo-plein deckchairssayin allearnestnessthatit' haveseeneverytypeof erythema,pre-rnelanomiclesion,liverspot, eczema,wart,papularcyst,potbelly,femoral cellulite,varicosity,collagenandsili-con eenhancement,badtint,hairtransplantsthat havenottaken-Le.

3 ,I haveseennearlynakeda lotof peopleI wouldprefernotto haveacquiredandnur-tureda potentiallylifelonggrudgeagainsttheship' shotelmanager( ),an almostreverentrespectformytable'swaiter, anda searingcrushonmycabinsteward,Petra,sheof thedimplesandbroadcandidbrow,whoalwayswo rea nurse'sstarchedandrustlingwhitesandsmell edof then nearlyIhaveseeIJa lotof peopenaketto haveI'JprefernO1J1na~eseenneary1 Somewherehe'dgottentheimpressionthatI wasanin-vestigativejournalistandwouldn't let meseethe galley,bridge,orstaffdecks,orinterviewan yof the crewinanon-the-recordwa)',andheworesungl assesindoors,andepaulets,andkepttLJ1king onthe phoneforlongstretchesoftimeinGreekwhenI wasinhis officeafter1'dskippedthekaraokesemifinal sintheRendez-VOllSLoungetomakea specialappointmenttosee him, ,andwhocleanedmycabinwithina centimeterof its lifeat leasttentimesa daybutcouldneverbe caughtin theac-tualactof cleaning-afigureof magicalandabidingcharm,andwellwortha nowknoweveryconceivablerationaleforsomeb odyspendingmorethan$3,000togoona :volun-tarilyandforpay,I underwenta 7-NightCaribbean(7NC) ( ),a 47,255-tonshipownedbyCelebrityCruises,In c.

4 ,oneofthetwenty-oddcruiselinesthatoperat eoutofsouthFloridaandspecializein "Megaships,"thefloatingweddingcakeswitho ccupanciesin fourfiguresandenginesthesizeof ,fromwhatI nowunderstandof theindustry'sstan-dards, ,theserviceunimpeachable,theshoreexcursi onsandshipboardactivitiesor-ganizedforma ximalstimulationdownto cleanandwhiteit 'sbluevariedbetweenbaby-blanketandfluore s-cent; 2. It wasa theMegalinesofferthesamebasicproduct-not a serviceor a setof servicesbutmorelikea feeling:a blendof relaxationandstimulation,stresslessindul genceandfrantictourism,thatspecialmixof servilityandconde-scensionthat'smarketed underconfigurationsoftheverb"topamper."T hisverbpositivelystudstheMegalines'vario usbrochures:"as you'veneverbeenpamperedbefore,""to-pampe r2 OftheMegalinesoutof southFloridathere'salsoCommodore,Costa,M ajesty,Regal,Dolphin,Princess,RoyalCarib bean,Renaissance,RoyalCruiseLine,Holland America,Cunard,NorwegianCruiseLine,Cryst al, Wal-Martof thecruiseindustry,Carnival,whichtheother linesrefertosometimesas "Carnivore.

5 "Thepresentmarket'svariousniches-Singles ,OldPeople,Theme,SpecialInterest,Corpora te,Party,Family,Mass-Market,Luxury,Ab-su rdLuxury,GrotesqueLuxury-haveall prettymuchbeencarvedandstakedoutandareno wcompetedfor genreof shipallits own, be designedinAmerica,builtin Germany,registeredoutof Liberia,andbothcaptainedandowned,forthem ostpart,byScandinaviansandGreeks,whichis kindof interesting,sincethesearethe theChandrisGroup;theXontheirthreeships's mokestacksisn'tanXbuta Greekchi,forChandris,aGreekshippingfamil ysoancientandpowerfultheyap-parentlyrega rdedOnassisas a \RrER'~\IAl;AZINEIJA,\:UARYjl)lJ6. - ..~-.. :-~,'--'yourselfin ourJacuzzisandsaunas;'"Letus pam-peryou,""Pamperyourselfin thewarmzephyrsof theBahamas."ThefactthatadultAmericansten dto associatetheword"pamper"witha cer-tainotherconsumerproductis notan. accident,Ithink,andtheconnotationis ,andwhose).In schoolI endedupwritingthreedifferentpaperson"The Cast-away"sectionofMoby-Dick,thechapteri nwhicha cabinboyfallsoverboardandis drivenmadbytheemptyimmensityof alwaysteachStephenCrane'shorrific"TheOpe nBoat,"andI getbentoutof shapewhenthekidsthinkthestory'sdullor justajauntyadventure:I wantthemto sufferthesamemarrow-leveldreadof theoceanicI'veal-waysfelt,theintuitionof theseaas primordialnada, madePAMPEREDTODEATH,PARTI~omeweeksbefore I underwentmyownLux-uryCruise,a sixteen-year-oldmaledida halfgainerofftheupperdeckof a thesuicidewasthatit hadbeenan unhappyadolescentlovething,a thinkpartof 'ssomethingabouta mass-marketLuxuryCruisethat' ,it seemsincrediblyelusiveandcomplexin its causesyetsimplein its effect.

6 OnboardtheNadir(especiallyat night,whenalltheship'sstructuredfunandre assurancesandgaietyceased)I "despair"is overusedandbanalizednow,butit'sa seriousword,andI'musingit 'sclosetowhatpeoplecalldreador angst,butit'snotthesethings, 'smorelikewantingtodiein orderto escapetheunbearablesadnessofknowingI'msm allandweakandselfishandgoing,withoutdoub t,to ' , whohadneverbeforethiscruiseactuallybeeno ntheocean, littlekidI usedto 'sBeach,California,in1963(greatwhite);th eUSSIndi-anapolissmorgasbordoffTinianin1 945(manyvari-eties,authoritiesthinkmostl ymakosandblacktipP,themost-fata 1ities-a ttr ibu ted-to-a-single-sharkseriesofincidentsar oundMatawan/SpringLake,NewJersey,in1926( greatwhiteagain;thistimetheynettedthefis hinRaritanBayandfoundhu-manpartsingastro -Iknow3 RobertShawas Quintreprisedthewholeincidentin 1975'sJaws,a film,as youcanimagine, 'lladmitthatontheveryfirstnightof theTNC1askedthestaffof theNadir'sFive-StarCaravelleRestaurantwh etherIcouldmaybehavea sparebucketofaujusdrippingsfromsuppersot hatIcouldtrychummingforsharksoffthebackr ailof thetopdeck,andthatthisrequeststruckevery bodyfromthemaitred' ondownas disturbingandmaybeevendisturbed,andthati t turnedouttobe a seriousjournalisticfauxpas,becauseI'malm ostpositivethemaitred'passedthisdisturbi ngtidbitonto big reasonwhyIwasdeniedaccesstoplaceslikethe ship'sgalley,therebyimpoverishingthesens uousscopeof 'ssheersize.))

7 Twelvedecksup is 150feet,andtheaujusdrippingswouldhavedis persedin-toa vagueredcologneby thetimetheyhitthewater,withconcentration sof bloodinadequatetoattractorexcitea seriousshark,whosefinwouldhaveprobablylo okedlikea fussabouttheone(possible)dorsalfinIsawof fstarboardthatmydinnercompanionsatTable6 4finallyhadto tellme,withallpossi-bletact,to don'tthinkit'san accidentthat7 NCLuxu-ry Cruisesappealmostlyto don'tmeandecrepitlyold,butlikefiftyishpe opleforwhomtheirownmortalityis theexposedbodiesto beseenalloverthedaytimeNadirwereinvariou sstagesof be oneenormousengineof ,exfoliatespaint,stripsvar-nish,dullsshi ne,coatsships'hullswithbarna-clesandkelp anda port,localboatsthatlookedas if theyhadbeendippedin a mixtureof acidandshit,scabbedwithrustandgoo, theMegalines' 'snoaccidentthey'reso whiteandclean,forthey'reclearlymeantto representtheCalvinisttriumphofcapitaland industryovertheprimaldecay-actionof haveawholebattalionof wirylittleThirdWorldguyswhowentaroundthe shipin navy-bluejump-suitsscanningfordecayto ,whohasanoddlittleessay-mercialin thefrontof CelebrityCruises'7 NCbrochure.

8 Talksabouthow"itbecamea privatechallengeformeto tryto finda pieceof dullbright-work,a chippedrail,a stainin thedeck,a slackcable,or anythingthatwasn' ,towardtheendof thetrip,I founda capstan[a typeof nauticalhoist,likea pulleyonsteroids]witha half-dollar-sizedpatchof thistinyflawwasinterruptedby thear-rival,evenas I stoodthere,of a crewmanwitharolleranda bucketof watchedashegavetheentirecapstana freshcoatandwalkedawaywitha nod."Here'sthething:A vacationis a respitefromunpleasantness,andsinceconsci ousnessofdeathanddecayareunpleasant,it mayseemweirdthattheultimateAmericanfanta syvaca-tioninvolvesbeingplunkeddownin anenor-mousprimordialstewof 7 NCLuxuryCruise,weareskillfullyen-abledin theconstructionof "triumph"is viatherigorsof self-im-provement(diet,exercise,cosmetic surgery,FranklinQuesttime-managementsemi nars),towhichthecrew'samphetaminicupkeep of theNadiris 'san-otherwayout,too:nottitivationbuttit illa-tion; thisregardthe7NC'sconstantactivities,fes tivities,gaiety,song;theadrenaline, , makesyourex-istenceseemnon-contingent.

9 >Thehard-playoptionpromisesnota transcendenceof death-dreadso muchas justdrowningit out:"Sharinga laughwithyourfriends''in theloungeafterdinner,youglanceat yourwatchandmentionthatit' standingovation,thetalkamongyourcompanio nsturnsto,'Whatnext?'Perhapsa visitto thecasinoor a littledancingin thedisco?Maybea quietdrinkinthepianobaror a starlitstrollaroundthedeck?Afterdiscussi ngallyouroptions,everyoneagrees:'Let'sdo it alll'"Dantethisisn't,butCelebrityCruises 'brochureis an 'brochuresarealwaysmagazine-size,heavyan dglossy,beautifullylaidout,theirtextoffs etbyart-qualityphotosof upscalecouples'?tannedfacesin a kindof rictusof 'sbrochure,in particular,is a haslittlehypertextishoffsetsboxedingold, withbiteslikeINDULGENCEBECDMESEASYandREL AXATIONBECOMESSECONDNATUREand(myfavorite ) positivelyProzacian:"Juststandingat theship'sraillookingoutto seahasa cloudonwater,theweightof everydaylifeis magicallyliftedaway,andyouseemto befloatingona seaof theship'sstaffas stewardcheerfullydeliversyourdrinks,youm entionallof makingyourcruiseacompletelycarefreeexper ienceandtreatingyou5 TheNadir'sgotliterallyhundredsof cross-sectionalmapsof theshiponeverydeck,at everyelevatorandjunction,eachwitha 'ttakelongtofigureoutthatthesearelessfor ori-entationthanfor "friends"in the brochure'stext.

10 Partof thispromiseof escapefromdreadis thatno cruis-er ,andevenin groupshotsit'salwaysgroupsof holdof a brochurefor anactualSinglesCruise, "SinglesGetTogether"(sic)on theNadirthatfirstSatur-daynight,heldinDe ck8'sScorpioDisco,whichafteranhourof self-hypnosisandcontrolledbreathingIstee ledmyselfto goto,buteventheGetTogetherwasthree-fourt hsestablishedcouples,andthefewof us Singlesun-derlikeseventyaU lookedgrimandself-hypnotized,andthewhole affairseemedlikea truewrist-slitter,andIbeata retreatafterhalfan hourbecauseJurassicParkwasscheduledtorun ontheTVthatnight,andIhadn'tyetlookedatth ewholescheduleandseenthatJurassicParkwou ldplayseveraldozentimesoverthecomingweek .,,/I,36 HARrER'S~IAGAZIi'iEI)ANL'ARYl<) ""-.~~.___ :.::----.~-----''"' anhonoredguestfBesides,headds,there'snop laceelsethey' sea,youcouldn'tagreemore."Thisis advertising( ,fantasy-enable-rnent),butwitha thesecondpersonanda specificityoutof detailthatextendsevento whatyou'willsay(youwillsay"I couldn'tagreemore"and"Let'sdoitall!