F 0 L 0 - Harper's Magazine

1 F0L0 Onthe(nearlylethal)comfortsof aluxurycruiseBY oAUIOFOSTERIllALLA[ETHEFOUR-COLORBROCHUR E, haveseenanall-redferentmakesof haveheardsteelleisuresuitwithflaredlapel s.[ havesmelleddrumsandeatenconchfrittersand watchedasuntanlotionspreadover2,100pound sof horwomanin havebeenaddressedas "Man" theceilingto thetwo-fourbeatof500upscaleAmericansdanc ethethesamediscomusicI haveseensunsetsingat theceilingto in havelearnedthatthereareI have(verybriefly)joinedaactuallyintensit iesof haveeat-I haveseena lotof haveseenschoolsofI'veevereaten, haveduringa weekwhenI'vealsoseenandsmelledall145cats insidelearnedthedifferencebetweentheErne stHemingwayresidencein Key"rolling"in heavyseasand"pitching"West, nowknowthedifferencebe-in havehearda haveseencruise-shipcomediantellfolks,wit houtirony,fluorescentluggageandfluoresce ntsunglasses"Butseriously.]]

2 "I haveseenfuchsiapantsuitsDavidFosterWalla ceis a contributingeditorofHarper' ,InfiniteJest,willbe pub-lishedby Little,Brownin 's,"Tickettothe Fair,"appearedin the I~~.lllUSTROT;OriSBV TOmGOORETTfOLIO)J' ~ >~~ haveseenprofessionalblackjackdeal-ersso lovelytheymakeyouwantto 'sGuestRelationsDeskwhethersnorkelingnec essitatesgettingwet,whetherthetrapshooti ngwillbeheldoutside,whetherthecrewsleeps onboard, nowknowtheprecisemixocologicaldifference be-tweena SlipperyNippleanda have,inoneweek,beentheobjectof over1, havemetCruiseStaffwiththemonikers"MojoMi ke,""Cocopuff,"and"DavetheBingoBoy.

3 "I havefeltthefullclothyweightof a havejumpedadozentimesat theshattering,flatulence-of-the-gods-lik esoundof a cruiseship' mah-jonggandlearnedhowto securea lifejacketovera havelearnedwhatit is to be-comeafraidof one' havenowheard-andampowerlessto nowknowthemaximumcruisingspeedof acruiseshipin knots(thoughI neverdidgetclearonjustwhata knotis).I haveheardpeo-plein deckchairssayin allearnestnessthatit' haveseeneverytypeof erythema,pre-rnelanomiclesion,liverspot, eczema,wart,papularcyst,potbelly,femoral cellulite,varicosity,collagenandsili-con eenhancement,badtint,hairtransplantsthat havenottaken-Le.

4 ,I haveseennearlynakeda lotof peopleI wouldprefernotto haveacquiredandnur-tureda potentiallylifelonggrudgeagainsttheship' shotelmanager( ),an almostreverentrespectformytable'swaiter, anda searingcrushonmycabinsteward,Petra,sheof thedimplesandbroadcandidbrow,whoalwayswo rea nurse'sstarchedandrustlingwhitesandsmell edof then nearlyIhaveseeIJa lotof peopenaketto haveI'JprefernO1J1na~eseenneary1 Somewherehe'dgottentheimpressionthatI wasanin-vestigativejournalistandwouldn't let meseethe galley,bridge,orstaffdecks,orinterviewan yof the crewinanon-the-recordwa)

5 ',andheworesunglassesindoors,andepaulets ,andkepttLJ1kingonthe phoneforlongstretchesoftimeinGreekwhenI wasinhis officeafter1'dskippedthekaraokesemifinal sintheRendez-VOllSLoungetomakea specialappointmenttosee him, ,andwhocleanedmycabinwithina centimeterof its lifeat leasttentimesa daybutcouldneverbe caughtin theac-tualactof cleaning-afigureof magicalandabidingcharm,andwellwortha nowknoweveryconceivablerationaleforsomeb odyspendingmorethan$3,000togoona :volun-tarilyandforpay,I underwenta 7-NightCaribbean(7NC) ( ),a 47,255-tonshipownedbyCelebrityCruises,In c.

6 ,oneofthetwenty-oddcruiselinesthatoperat eoutofsouthFloridaandspecializein "Megaships,"thefloatingweddingcakeswitho ccupanciesin fourfiguresandenginesthesizeof ,fromwhatI nowunderstandof theindustry'sstan-dards, ,theserviceunimpeachable,theshoreexcursi onsandshipboardactivitiesor-ganizedforma ximalstimulationdownto cleanandwhiteit 'sbluevariedbetweenbaby-blanketandfluore s-cent; 2. It wasa theMegalinesofferthesamebasicproduct-not a serviceor a setof servicesbutmorelikea feeling:a blendof relaxationandstimulation,stresslessindul genceandfrantictourism,thatspecialmixof servilityandconde-scensionthat'smarketed underconfigurationsoftheverb"topamper.

7 "ThisverbpositivelystudstheMegalines'var iousbrochures:"as you'veneverbeenpamperedbefore,""to-pampe r2 OftheMegalinesoutof southFloridathere'salsoCommodore,Costa,M ajesty,Regal,Dolphin,Princess,RoyalCarib bean,Renaissance,RoyalCruiseLine,Holland America,Cunard,NorwegianCruiseLine,Cryst al, Wal-Martof thecruiseindustry,Carnival,whichtheother linesrefertosometimesas "Carnivore."Thepresentmarket'svariousnic hes-Singles,OldPeople,Theme,SpecialInter est,Corporate,Party,Family,Mass- market ,L uxury,Ab-surdLuxury,GrotesqueLuxury-have all prettymuchbeencarvedandstakedoutandareno wcompetedfor genreof shipallits own, be designedinAmerica,builtin Germany,registeredoutof Liberia,andbothcaptainedandowned,forthem ostpart,byScandinaviansandGreeks,whichis kindof interesting,sincethesearethe theChandrisGroup.

8 TheXontheirthreeships'smokestacksisn'tan Xbuta Greekchi,forChandris,aGreekshippingfamil ysoancientandpowerfultheyap-parentlyrega rdedOnassisas a \RrER'~\IAl;AZINEIJA,\:UARYjl)lJ6. - ..~-.. :-~,'--'yourselfin ourJacuzzisandsaunas;'"Letus pam-peryou,""Pamperyourselfin thewarmzephyrsof theBahamas."ThefactthatadultAmericansten dto associatetheword"pamper"witha cer-tainotherconsumerproductis notan. accident,Ithink,andtheconnotationis ,andwhose).In schoolI endedupwritingthreedifferentpaperson"The Cast-away"sectionofMoby-Dick,thechapteri nwhicha cabinboyfallsoverboardandis drivenmadbytheemptyimmensityof alwaysteachStephenCrane'shorrific"TheOpe nBoat,"andI getbentoutof shapewhenthekidsthinkthestory'sdullor justajauntyadventure.

9 I wantthemto sufferthesamemarrow-leveldreadof theoceanicI'veal-waysfelt,theintuitionof theseaas primordialnada, madePAMPEREDTODEATH,PARTI~omeweeksbefore I underwentmyownLux-uryCruise,a sixteen-year-oldmaledida halfgainerofftheupperdeckof a thesuicidewasthatit hadbeenan unhappyadolescentlovething,a thinkpartof 'ssomethingabouta mass-marketLuxuryCruisethat' ,it seemsincrediblyelusiveandcomplexin its causesyetsimplein its effect:onboardtheNadir(especiallyat night,whenalltheship'sstructuredfunandre assurancesandgaietyceased)I "despair"is overusedandbanalizednow,butit'sa seriousword,andI'musingit 'sclosetowhatpeoplecalldreador angst,butit'snotthesethings, 'smorelikewantingtodiein orderto escapetheunbearablesadnessofknowingI'msm allandweakandselfishandgoing,withoutdoub t,to ' , whohadneverbeforethiscruiseactuallybeeno ntheocean, littlekidI usedto 'sBeach,California,in1963(greatwhite).

10 TheUSSIndi-anapolissmorgasbordoffTiniani n1945(manyvari-eties,authoritiesthinkmos tlymakosandblacktipP,themost-fata 1ities-a ttr ibu ted-to-a-single-sharkseriesofincidentsar oundMatawan/SpringLake,NewJersey,in1926( greatwhiteagain;thistimetheynettedthefis hinRaritanBayandfoundhu-manpartsingastro -Iknow3 RobertShawas Quintreprisedthewholeincidentin 1975'sJaws,a film,as youcanimagine, 'lladmitthatontheveryfirstnightof theTNC1askedthestaffof theNadir'sFive-StarCaravelleRestaurantwh etherIcouldmaybehavea sparebucketofaujusdrippingsfromsuppersot hatIcouldtrychummingforsharksoffthebackr ailof thetopdeck,andthatthisrequeststruckevery bodyfromthemaitred' ondownas disturbingandmaybeevendisturbed,andthati t turnedouttobe a seriousjournalisticfauxpas.))