How to explain death to children and young …

1 How to explaindeath tochildren andyoung helpthem cope!6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12:12 pm Page 1 ContentsBarnardo s Child BereavementServiceHelping children at the time of adeathThe funeralChildren s understanding ofdeathTraumatic death237811 Barnardo s Child bereavement Service wasestablished in June service provides: An Advice Line which any adult who isconcerned about a bereaved child cancontact for information and advice. Training and information nights for parentsand professionals to assist in developingmethods of helping bereaved children . Individual and group support to children andyoung people up to the age of 18 who havebeen s ChildBereavement Service 6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12.

2 12 pm Page 2 Page 3 children experience similar feelings to adultsfollowing the death of a significant person in include shock,denial,anger,guilt,sadness and ,they often expresstheir feelings differently from willoften see-saw in and out of grief anddemonstrate a range of emotions following adeath which may include excitement,anger are not born with an automaticunderstanding of death , it is universal,irreversible and has a need to helpthem understand these concepts and this is bestdone by giving the child clear,honest informationon a frequent times, children can appearvery accepting of a bereavement while,later,theymay become very can beconfusing for adults and it is important thatchildren are given the opportunity to displaytheir feelings of grief in their own children at thetime of a death6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12:12 pm Page 3 Explaining a death to a child can be a difficult andpainful task,but it is our belief and experiencethat a concerned adult can help a child managetheir feelings of pain and explaining a death to a child it isimportant to consider the following; Try to use the word death or dead ratherthan phrases such as gone to sleep , lost or gone to a better place.

3 These phrasescause confusion for young children and canlead to unnecessary anxiety. My mum told me that my granda died in am scared to go to sleep in case I die,and I feel I have to keep checking my parentsduring the night in case they have died, Cara,aged 8. young children need to be told repeatedlythat when someone dies they can nevercome is important to explain thatthe dead person doesn t eat,sleep,or feelany pain. Will my mummy come back for my birthday? Steven,aged 6. 6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12:12 pm Page 4 Page 5 children benefit from having the cause ofthe death explained to should bedone simply and in a language that the is a risk that if childrenare not given a clear explanation,they mayblame themselves.

4 My mummy told me to stop running up anddown in the hospital when my nanny was said I was too noisy and it hurt died,it s my fault. Angela,aged 5. It is important that a child understands thateveryone dies at some time,but mostpeople don t die until they are a death , children ,can become veryanxious and often have difficulty separatingfrom family helps them to regainconfidence in the world if they canunderstand the concepts of death . I am scared everyone in my family is going todie now and so I don t like playing with myfriends or being away from home. Michael,aged 9. 6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12:12 pm Page 5 children and young people grieve in a moresporadic way than adults do,they switchfrom being very sad one moment andexcited and happy can bedistressing and upsetting to adults and canmislead them into thinking that they arecoping better than he or she really is.

5 I know my daddy is dead,but I really hopewe can still go to Disneyland this summeras planed. Fiona,aged 11. children need to hear that nothing we thinkor say can cause death ,often children blamethemselves when someone special isimportant to emphasise to them that it wasnot their fault. I feel it is my fault my dad crashedhis car on the way home from work,he wasdriving fast so we could have more time at theswimming pool. Daniel,aged explaining death to a child it may behelpful to link it to any previous experiences theyhave had of death ,such as the death of a pet ora is important that the child has theopportunity to talk often about the death inorder to facilitate their understanding that it isirreversible,universal and has a cause,as oftencartoons and computer games portray death asa temporary state.

6 6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12:12 pm Page 6 Page 7 The funeral is an opportunity for family andfriends to say goodbye to the person they is beneficial for children to have the choice toattend and be involved in the service,however,it is important that they are not burdened with family and friends are viewing the body, children should be given the choice of seeing children need careful preparation forthis task description of the coffin,theroom,the body and what to shouldbe accompanied by a trusted adult who cansupport and answer any is helpfulthat children still retain their place in the familyand do not feel that more thought is given toother relatives and children mayneed permission to touch the body,others maynot want may want to put a letter,drawing or favourite toy in the should be given the choice of attendingthe funeral again with a trusted adult who cananswer any questions and be somesituations,this may be an aunt,uncle or someonewho is not in the immediate family who cananswer the child s questions whilst the funeral isin progress.

7 All my daddy s friends shook my hand at thefuneral,I felt that I had to be the man of thefamily. Jack,aged funeral6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12:12 pm Page 7 children s understanding of death will dependlargely upon their developmental guide is based on chronological agesand is a guide only,remembering that each childis YearsChildren experience feelings of pain and will protest loudly and may searchrepeatedly for the need aconsistent routine,cuddles and hugs and theyneed to be told repeatedly that the person willnot be is important that specialmemories and photographs are kept for thechildren as they grow YearsChildren at this stage think literally so use oflanguage is extremely such as.

8 Gone for a long sleep and we ve lost him/her can often cause still do not understand the irreversibility ofdeath and need to be told repeatedly that thedead cannot come this age, children may believe that theiractions can impact on the world around themand that,in some ways,they may have causedthe sunderstanding of death6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12:12 pm Page 8 Page 9 They need to be told that people die for avariety of reasons,but not because of anythingwe at this age will often act out throughplay what is happening around needtheir questions answered openly,honestly is also important to maintain YearsChildren can usually understand that death isirreversible and will ask frequentquestions about death and may become pre-occupied with thoughts of maysometimes feel responsible for the survivingmembers and they need to be allowed to bechildren.

9 Not overwhelmed with helps if the child can explore feelings of guiltand responsibility and that their questions areanswered openly and is importantthat they get support at school,as often childrenwho are bereaved feel oftenexperience bullying at school because of may have temper tantrums,sleepdisturbance,nightmares,and also may actyounger than their YearsAt this stage children usually understand thatdeath is irreversible,universal and has a can become difficult andgrief can be expressed in terms of physicalaches and pains or challenging BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12:12 pm Page 9 They need the opportunity to talk to a need reassurance about changes inlifestyle money situation and whetherthey can remain in their they needsupport at school in dealing with peer groupsand they may be more vulnerable to YearsTeenagers are particularly vulnerable as at thisstage they try to solve problems themselves andfind it difficult to seek help and support understand the concept of death ,but donot have the emotional maturity to deal with normal for adolescents to have difficulty talkingto their parents,but they need the opportunityto talk to trusted adults or canprovide security and routine,however.

10 It can alsobe a place where they feel isolated,different andhave difficulties with school may feeloverwhelmed by exams and need choice with regard to thefuneral and subsequent life the sametime they should not be burdened with adultresponsibilities, Be strong for your mother or You re the man of the house now. 6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12:12 pm Page 10 Page 11 children and young people can experiencetrauma when they are involved in an incidentwhen someone dies,such as a road other times children may displaysigns of trauma when they find a suchincidents it is important that children and youngpeople receive specialist help in dealing with thesymptoms of Ireland has a number of specialistTrauma Centres and Child and AdolescentMental Health Specialists,who provide Child bereavement Service focuseson helping children and young people deal withfeelings of loss following a death6863-Child BeravementNEW 24/7/06 12.