Joseph Heller - Catch - 22 - Notepad

1 J oseph Heller - Cat ch - 22J OSEPH HELLERCATCH- 22 Copyr ight (c) J oseph Heller , 1955, 1961 The island of Pianosa lies in t he Medit er r anean Sea eight miles sout h of Elba. I t is ver y small and obviously could not accommodat e all of t he act ions descr ibed. Like t he set t ing of t his novel, t he char act er s, t oo, ar e f ict it MY MOTHERAND TO SHI RLEY,AND MY CHI LDREN,ERI CA AND TED1 THE TEXANI t was love at f ir st sight .The f ir st t ime Yossar ian saw t he chaplain he f ell madly in love wit h ian was in t he hospit al wit h a pain in his liver t hat f ell j ust shor t of being j aundice. The doct or s wer e puzzled by t he f act t hat it wasn t quit e j aundice. I f it became j aundicePage 1J oseph Heller - Cat ch - 22t hey could t r eat it . I f it didn t become j aundice and went away t hey could dischar ge him. But t his j ust being shor t of j aundice all t he t ime conf used t mor ning t hey came ar ound, t hr ee br isk and ser ious men wit h ef f icient mout hs and inef f icient eyes, accompanied by br isk and ser ious Nur se Ducket t , one of t he war d nur ses who didn t like Yossar ian.

2 They r ead t he char t at t he f oot of t he bed and asked impat ient ly about t he pain. They seemed ir r it at ed when he t old t hem it was ex act ly t he same. St ill no movement ? t he f ull colonel doct or s ex changed a look when he shook his head. Give him anot her pill. Nur se Ducket t made a not e t o give Yossar ian anot her pill, and t he f our of t hem moved along t o t he nex t bed. None of t he nur ses liked Yossar ian. Act ually, t he pain in his liver had gone away, but Yossar ian didn t say anyt hing and t he doct or s never suspect ed. They j ust suspect ed t hat he had been moving his bowels and not t elling ian had ever yt hing he want ed in t he hospit al. The f ood wasn t t oo bad, and his meals wer e br ought t o him in bed. Ther e wer e ex t r a r at ions of f r esh meat , and dur ing t he hot par t of t he af t er noon he and t he ot her s wer e ser ved chilled f r uit j uice or chilledchocolat e milk.

3 Apar t f r om t he doct or s and t he nur ses, no one ever dist ur bed him. For a lit t le while in t he mor ning he had t o censor let t er s, but he was f r ee af t er t hat t o spend t he r est of each day lying ar ound idly wit h a clear conscience. He was comf or t able in t he hospit al, and it was easy t o st ay on because he always r an a t emper at ur e of 101. He was even mor e comf or t able t han Dunbar , who had t o keep f alling down on his f ace in or der t o get his meals br ought t o him in t er he had made up his mind t o spend t he r est of t he war in t he hospit al, Yossar ian wr ot e let t er s t o ever yone he knew saying t hat he was in t he hospit al but never ment ioning why. One day he had a bet t er idea. To ever yone he knew he wr ot e t hat he wasgoing on a ver y danger ous mission. They asked f or volunt eer s. I t s ver y danger ous, but someone has t o do it.

4 I ll wr it e you t he inst ant I get back. And he had not wr it t en anyone t he of f icer pat ient s in t he war d wer e f or ced t o censor let t er s wr it t en by all t he enlist ed- men pat ient s, who wer e kept in r esidence in war ds of t heir own. I t was a monot onous j ob, and Yossar ian was disappoint ed t o lear n t hat t he lives of enlist ed men wer e only slight ly mor e int er est ing t han t he lives of of f icer s. Af t er t he f ir st day he had no cur iosit y at all. To br eak t he monot ony he invent ed games. Deat h t o all modif ier s, he declar ed one day, and out of ever y let t er t hat passed t hr ough his hands went ever y adver b and ever y adj ect ive. The nex t day he made war on ar t icles. He r eached a much Page 2J oseph Heller - Cat ch - 22higher plane of cr eat ivit y t he f ollowing day when he blacked out ever yt hing in t he let t er sbut a, an and t he.

5 That er ect ed mor e dynamic int r alinear t ensions, he f elt , and in j ust about ever y case lef t a message f ar mor e univer sal. Soon he was pr oscr ibing par t s of salut at ions and signat ur es and leaving t he t ex t unt ouched. One t ime he blacked out all but t he salut at ion Dear Mar y f r om a let t er , and at t he bot t om he wr ot e, I year n f or you t r agically. R. O. Shipman, Chaplain, Ar my. Shipman was t he gr oup chaplain s hen he had ex haust ed all possibilit ies in t he let t er s, he began at t acking t he names and addr esses on t he envelopes, oblit er at ing whole homes and st r eet s, annihilat ing ent ir e met r opolises wit h car eless f licks of his wr ist as t hough he wer e God. Cat ch- 22 r equir ed t hat each censor ed let t er bear t he censor ing of f icer s name. Most let t er s he didn t r eadat all. On t hose he didn t r ead at all he wr ot e his own name.

6 On t hose he did r ead he wr ot e, W ashingt on I r ving. W hen t hat gr ew monot onous he wr ot e, I r ving W ashingt on. Censor ing t he envelopes had ser ious r eper cussions, pr oduced a r ipple of anx iet y on some et her eal milit ar y echelon t hat f loat ed a .D. man back int o t he war d posing as a pat ient .They all knew he was a .D. man because he kept inquir ing about an of f icer named I r vingor W ashingt on and because af t er his f ir st day t her e he wouldn t censor let t er s. He f ound t hem t oo monot t was a good war d t his t ime, one of t he best he and Dunbar had ever enj oyed. W it h t hem t his t ime was t he t went y- f our - year - old f ight er - pilot capt ain wit h t he spar se goldenmust ache who had been shot int o t he Adr iat ic Sea in midwint er and not even caught cold. Now t he summer was upon t hem, t he capt ain had not been shot down, and he said he had t he gr ippe.

7 I n t he bed on Yossar ian s r ight , st ill lying amor ously on his belly, was t he st ar t led capt ain wit h malar ia in his blood and a mosquit o bit e on his ass. Acr oss t he aisle f r om Yossar ian was Dunbar , and nex t t o Dunbar was t he ar t iller y capt ain wit h whom Yossar ian had st opped playing chess. The capt ain was a good chess player , and t he games wer e always int er est ing. Yossar ian had st opped playing chess wit h him because t he gameswer e so int er est ing t hey wer e f oolish. Then t her e was t he educat ed Tex an f r om Tex as who looked like someone in Technicolor and f elt , pat r iot ically, t hat people of means - decent f olk - should be given mor e vot es t han dr if t er s, whor es, cr iminals, degener at es, at heist s and indecent f olk - people wit hout ian was unspr inging r hyt hms in t he let t er s t he day t hey br ought t he Tex an in. I t was anot her quiet , hot , unt r oubled day.

8 The heat pr essed heavily on t he r oof , st if ling sound. Dunbar was lying mot ionless on his back again wit h his eyes st ar ing up at t he ceiling like a doll s. He was wor king har d at incr easing his lif e span. He did it by cult ivat ing bor edom. Dunbar was wor king so har d at incr easing his lif e span t hat Page 3J oseph Heller - Cat ch - 22 Yossar ian t hought he was dead. They put t he Tex an in a bed in t he middle of t he war d, and it wasn t long bef or e he donat ed his sat up like a shot . That s it , he cr ied ex cit edly. Ther e was somet hing missing - all t he t ime I knew t her e was somet hing missing - and now I know what it is. He banged his f ist down int o his palm. No pat r iot ism, he declar ed. You r e r ight , Yossar ian shout ed back. You r e r ight , you r e r ight , you r e r ight . The hot dog, t he Br ooklyn Dodger s. Mom s apple pie.

9 That s what ever yone s f ight ing f or . But who s f ight ing f or t he decent f olk? W ho s f ight ing f or mor e vot es f or t he decent f olk? Ther e s no pat r iot ism, t hat s what it is. And no mat r iot ism, eit her . The war r ant of f icer on Yossar ian s lef t was unimpr essed. W ho gives a shit ? he asked t ir edly, and t ur ned over on his side t o go t o Tex an t ur ned out t o be good- nat ur ed, gener ous and likable. I n t hr ee days no one could st and sent shudder s of annoyance scamper ing up t icklish spines, and ever ybody f led f r om him - ever ybody but t he soldier in whit e, who had no choice. The soldier in whit e was encased f r om head t o t oe in plast er and gauze. He had t wo useless legs and t wo useless ar ms. He had been smuggled int o t he war d dur ing t he night , and t he men had no idea he was among t hem unt il t hey awoke in t he mor ning and saw t he t wo st r ange legs hoist ed f r om t he hips, t he t wo st r ange ar ms anchor ed up per pendicular ly, all f our limbs pinioned st r angely in air by lead weight s suspended dar kly above him t hat never moved.

10 Sewn int o t he bandages over t he insides of bot h elbows wer e zipper ed lips t hr ough which he was f ed clear f luid f r om a clear j ar . A silent zinc pipe r ose f r om t he cement on his gr oin and was coupled t o a slim r ubber hose t hat car r ied wast e f r om his kidneys and dr ipped it ef f icient ly int o a clear , st opper ed j ar on t he f loor . W hen t he j ar on t he f loor was f ull, t he j ar f eeding his elbow was empt y, and t he t wo wer e simply swit ched quickly so t hat t he st uf f could dr ip back int o him. All t hey ever r eally saw of t he soldier in whit e was a f r ayed black hole over his mout soldier in whit e had been f iled nex t t o t he Tex an, and t he Tex an sat sideways on his own bed and t alked t o him t hr oughout t he mor ning, af t er noon and evening in a pleasant , sympat het ic dr awl. The Tex an never minded t hat he got no r at ur es wer e t aken t wice a day in t he war d.