Open Minded Thinking - Dr. Linda Olson

1 Open Minded Thinking7 Dialectical Open-mind Thinking . Dialectical means that 2 ideas can both be true at the same time. There is always more than one TRUE way to see a situation and more than one TRUE opinion, idea, thought, or dream. Two things that seem like (or are) opposites can both be true. All people have something unique, different, and worthy to teach us. A life worth living has both comfortable and uncomfortable aspects (happiness AND sadness; anger AND peace; hope AND discouragement; fear AND ease; etc). All points of view have both TRUE and FALSE within them. Being dialectical means: Letting go of self-righteous indignation. Letting go of black and white , all or nothing ways of seeing a situation. Looking for what is left out of your understanding of a situation. Finding a way to validate the other person s point of view. Expanding your way of seeing things.

2 Getting unstuck from standoffs and conflicts. Being more flexible and approachable. Avoiding assumptions and blaming. Examples: You are right AND the other person is right. You are doing the best that you can AND you need to try harder, do better, and be more motivated to change. You can take care of yourself AND you need help and support from for Dialectical Thinking Do: Move away from either-or Thinking to BOTH-AND Thinking . Avoid extreme words: always never, you make me. Example: Instead of saying: Everyone always treats me unfairly, say Sometimes I am treated fairly AND at other times I am treated unfairly. Practice looking at ALL sides of a situation/points of view. Find the kernel of truth in every side. Remember: NO ONE owns the truth. Be open and willing. If you feel indignant or outraged, you are NOT being dialectical. Use I statements, instead of You statements.

3 Accept that different opinions can be legitimate, even if you do not agree with them: I can see your point of view even though I do not agree with it. Don t: ..assume that you know what others are Thinking , check it out: What did you mean when you ..expect others to know what you are Thinking , be clear: What I m trying to say 9 Dialectics Homework Sheet Circle the letter in front of the dialectical statement for each group of sentences: It s hopeless. Why even try? I give My problems are gone, this is This is hard for me, and I m going to keep working at I m totally right about this it s the truth!b. I m stupid. Everyone else is always right about Well, I can see it this way, and you see it that Everyone is always unfair to In some situations, I feel that I m not being treated Everyone is always fair to People should listen to me whenever I need to I should be able to handle my own problems without botheringother Sometimes I need someone to listen to me.

4 When they can t,it s It s my parent s fault that I have these problems, so I shouldn t have to work so hard to solve them. b. All of my problems are my own I may not have caused all of my own problems, but I need tosolve them Other people always hurt me, so I don t trust I trust some people and I find it very difficult to trust If I were healthy I would be able to trust I hate you for doing what you did. I am done being your friend. b. It shouldn t be any big deal if other people hurt You really hurt my feelings and we will have to work it What is it??? What is validation? It means telling someone that what they feel, think, believe, and experience is: real logical understandable Self-validation is when you are able to quietly reassure yourself that what you feel inside is real, is important, and makes sense. Emotions, thoughts, and sensations are all experiences that we sometimes doubt in ourselves.

5 We ask ourselves: DO I really feel this? SHOULD I feel this way? (Is it the right thing to feel, even if it inconveniences someone else?). We may look around us and try to guess what other people in the same situation feel, or what others EXPECT us to feel. This happens because we have been told at some point that we should not trust what our inner experience tells us. We actually trust other people MORE than ourselves. Sometimes when we self-invalidate, we spend a lot of time and energy trying to prove to others and ourselves that our experience is real, and makes sense. This often results in conflict or crisis. In DBT, we are learning to validate others because: ..it helps our relationships go better ..it calms intense situations so that we can problem solve We learn to Self-Validate because: ..it quiets defensive/fearful emotions so we can problem solve..it allows us to let go of the pain and exhaustion that constant self-justification and self-doubt requires.

6 Validation improves the quality of our How to do it??? Validation does NOT mean that you AGREE or APPROVE of behavior. In fact, validation is non-judgmental. Validation Strategies: on the inherent worth of the person, whether it is yourself orsomeone Listen carefully to what is said with words, expression, and listen, be one-mindful in the you are self-validating, honor your experience by sitting quietly with it, knowing it for at least a few moments. If you are validating someone else, use good eye contact, nod, be one-mindful in your focus on them. 3. Describe Non-judgmentally state the facts of the the unstated Note the presence of feelings, beliefs, etc. that have notbeen voiced: You seem to feel angry, but also hurt by what that person saidto you. If validating yourself, identify primary emotions. If anger is obvious, explore your feelings of any shame, hurt, or disappointment that may be hiding beneath.

7 What is true/valid about the experience and note this. Without feelingthat you have to agree or approve of the experience, find a piece of it thatmakes perfect sense, and validate validating yourself, perhaps you realize that the thoughts you are having are irrational , however, validate that they exist and are powerful in the moment. If validating someone else, even if you disagree with their behavior, find something that you can empathize with When you get that angry, you want to strike out at someone. 12 VALIDATION PRACTICE After reading each situation, circle all of the responses that are VALIDATING. Some of the responses may be skillful, but not validating. Remember to focus on reassuring self/other that their experience is real, important, and/or makes sense. Circle all of the validating responses for each question. 1. A friend has just thrown a chair down the hallway because a peer refused to letthem use the phone.

8 They have received a Major Infraction and are very angry. Theyare talking to You listen, You ignore them, because you don t want to give them attention for You state, You were really frustrated, weren t you? d. You say, You re right! She never lets anyone else use the phone! 2. A peer is having a lot of with symptoms lately. He is getting into trouble withstaff, breaking rules. He asks you to lie for him so that he can stay out of say, You re really worried about being in trouble, and Ican understand that, but I can t lie, and get into trouble s find another solution. immediately go tell staff on You try to avoid him. When he approaches you, you say, I can t talk rightnow, I have to do my laundry. d. You say, You want me to tell staff that you were with me and that youdidn t do what they say you did. 3. You are feeling a lot of irritation and you don t know why.

9 You snap at a peerwho has done nothing tell yourself, I m always irritable and drive people away. b. You force yourself to behave more patiently with others than you actuallyfeel for the rest of the talk to a friend and tell them, I just snapped at someone, and I don tknow why. I m irritable and confused. d. You ask for a Mindfulness Skills Module #114 States of Mind 15 core Mindfulness Skills WHAT SkillsTake hold of your mind Observe! Be curious about what you feel. Just notice how you feel, without trying to make feelings stronger, orweaker, go away, or last longer . See how long your feeling lasts, and if it changes. Notice how feelings flow in and out of your body like waves. What comes through your senses? Touch, smell, sight, sound, taste. Be like a non-stick pan, letting things slide off of your body and Use words to describe your experience. Use fact words, call a thought just a thought , call a feeling just afeeling.

10 Use words that everyone would agree with. Don t paint a colorful picture with words, or magnify a situation withwords. Try to avoid emotional words. Try to let go of your emotions about being right or about someoneelse being wrong while searching for words to Get lost in an activity. Let go of your sense of time while you are doing something. Allow yourself to be natural in the situation. Practice your skills until they become a part of Mindfulness--HOW SkillsPractice to use these all at the same time Non-Judgmental Stance One Mindfully in the Moment Describe Effectively SEE, BUT DON T EVALUATE. Take a non-judgmental stance. Just the on the what , not the good or bad , the terrible , the should or should not . UNGLUE YOUR OPINIONS from the facts, from the who, what, when, andwhere. ACCEPT each moment, each event as a blanket spread out on the lawn acceptsboth the rain and the sun, each leaf that falls upon it.