Parenting After Separation (PAS) Parent’s Guide

1 Parenting After Separation Program page 1 Parenting After Separation (PAS) Parent s Guide Contents TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction 1 Section 1 Relationship Building Blocks 3 Attachment and Relationships 5 Healthy Parenting 6 Healthy Co- Parenting 8 Keeping Both Parents Involved 10 FAQs about Relationship Building 11 Worksheet - Recognizing High Conflict Coparental Relationships 15 Worksheet - Recognizing Abusive Relationships 16 Worksheet - Reflective Questions Relationships 18 Section 2 Children Can Cope with Separation and divorce 19 Effects of parental Separation or divorce on Children 21 Ways to Promote Positive Coping 24 FAQs about Promoting Coping 27 Worksheet - Recognizing your Child s Temperament 31 Fact sheet - Age-by-Age Guideline: Children s Reactions and How to Help 34 Worksheet - Reflective Questions Children 42 Section 3 Learning your Way Around the Legal System 43 The divorce Process and Legal Terminology 45 Dispute Resolution Process 48 FAQs about Legal Process 49 Fact sheet - Steps in the Court Process 53 Fact sheet - Dispute Resolution Processes 54 Worksheet - Reflective Questions- Legal Issues 57 Contents Contents Section 4 Parenting Plans that Work for Your Family 59 What is a Parenting Plan 61 Parts of a Parenting Plan 61 One Way to Develop a Parenting Plan 63 Parenting Arrangements 64 Giving Children a Say 65 Parenting Plan Outline 66 FAQs Parenting Plans 68 Worksheet - Reflective Questions Parenting plans 73 Worksheet Preparing For Your Parenting Plan 74 Worksheet Parenting Plan Worksheet 83 Important Information 99 Whom to Call 102 Telling Your child about the Separation or divorce 106 Building Resilience in Children 108 Building Better Brains

2 111 Court Process Flow Chart 112 You and Your Family Law Lawyer 113 How to find a mediator 119 Getting Help with Child Support Calculations 121 The Role of the Maintenance Enforcement Program 122 Suggested Reading 124 Legal Terminology and Family Justice Services Glossary 126 Website References 135 Parenting After Separation Program page 1 Parenting After Separation is a course, offered by the Government of Alberta for parents and guardians who are separating or divorcing . The purpose of the course is to help you understand the legal process of Separation (or divorce ), the way your children are likely to feel and behave, and what you need to know so you can make positive choices about how you will continue to parent your children, separately and together . The course explains how you can stay focused on what your children need even when it is difficult to do so. The PAS course will help you to: Learn Parenting and co- Parenting skills that help children adjust After parental Separation or divorce ; Understand how children at different ages respond to Separation or divorce , warning signs of stress at each age, and learn what you can do to help your children cope; Learn about dispute resolution options that are available to you; Know more about the legal process of Separation or divorce ; Prepare a Parenting plan an agreement between parents about how they will raise their children going forward.

3 The PAS course is composed of four sections: Building Blocks Can Cope with Separation And divorce Your Way Around The Legal System Plans That Work For Your Family Information in this parent s Guide is organized by these 4 topics with worksheets and fact sheets to help you as you move through the course. There is also a section called Important Information that contains more information about child support, recommended reading lists for parents and children, recommended websites, etc . As you move through your process of Separation or divorce , it will be helpful to refer back to these materials as different questions come up. To access this manual on-line along with additional information go to: INTRODUCTION page 2 Introduction Sources of Information and Expertise The 2011 Parenting After Separation (PAS) curriculum was revised and adapted by Marsha Kline Pruett, Ph .D . and Rachel Ebling, Ph .D . from the original PAS curriculum, which was developed in 2007 . Funding for revisions was provided by the Palix Foundation, Inc.

4 The on-line version of PAS was launched in July 2015 and can be found at This manual was updated in November 2016. Parenting After Separation Program Section 1 page 11 Section 1 Relationship Building Blocks Section 1: Relationship Building Blocks Key Points parental Separation and divorce can be an especially stressful time for children because children lose some amount of time with at least one of their parents and many changes occur in their family all at once . When children feel secure that their parents love them and will continue to care for them and be available to them in a consistent way, this creates a healthy attachment to parents (or other caregivers) who are of primary importance in a child s life . The children who appear most vulnerable to developing problems are those who experience many changes and transitions during childhood (e .g ., divorces, remarriages, moves, changing schools).

5 There are ways parents can co-parent together and parent individually that are especially important for helping children cope with the stresses of parental Separation or divorce . This class will teach you about attitudes and behaviors that you can adopt in the here and now . Coparenting means that both parents maintain a shared focus on their child s well-being and encourage a respectful view of the other parent . It also means that each parent actively supports the other parent s time and involvement with their child opening the gate to the other parent so that children don t feel they have to choose and lose . While many children have difficulties following their parents Separation or divorce including sad, angry, confused, worried, and scared feelings and behaviors that get them into trouble most children learn to deal with the changes in their family . With time and continued support from their parents, they can grow up to be as happy and healthy as children whose parents did not separate or divorce .

6 Section 1 page 4 Parenting After Separation Program Section 1 page 5 I. Attachment and Relationships Attachment refers to the strong emotional bonds or connections that develop first between parent and child, and later in relationships with friends and romantic partners . The emotional life of each child is dependent on early attachment relationships with caregivers, especially those who assume primary responsibility for the child s care on a daily or regular basis; the security these relationships provide carryover into adulthood . Influence Attachment Your child s secure attachment is largely shaped by both parents behavior . To foster secure attachments in your children, you can: Show warmth, sensitivity, and responsiveness to your child s needs . Keep your child s developmental level (or age-appropriate abilities) in mind when you respond to your child, and try to understand your child s feelings . Listen carefully and respectfully, to show your child that you accept whatever he/she is feeling (even when your child s behavior is unacceptable).

7 Act consistently day-to-day when caring for your child . With toddlers and older children, try to be clear and follow-through in your expectations for your child s behavior . By acting in ways your child learns to count on and by making promises you really can deliver on, your child will view you as trustworthy . Nurturing environments, particularly from pre-natal to six years of age, are essential for healthy brain development . The basic architecture of the human brain is constructed through an ongoing process that begins before birth and continues into adulthood . as a Risk Factor Research has shown that, on average, children whose parents have separated or divorced are more likely to have difficulty growing up and potentially have more problems including attachment problems (such as, problems trusting adults) and that this is true for boys and girls . The children and adolescents who appear to be most vulnerable, socially and emotionally, are those who experience a number of changes in Parenting arrangements throughout their childhood.

8 As the number of changes (e .g ., divorces, remarriages, moves, changing schools) increases, children s well being generally decreases . Every move to a new house, for example, places children at higher risk for developing problems when children s parents live separately . SECTION 1 RELATIONSHIP BUILDING BLOCKS Encourage children s time with their other parent and extended family. Section 1 page 6 Relationship Building Blocks SECTION 1 Equally important, however, is the fact that most children cope well After their parents Separation or divorce and go on to develop healthy relationships in childhood and adulthood . What makes it more or less difficult for children to adjust? Children s temperament (traits that children are born with, such as their adaptability and how strongly they usually react to situations); The family s economic situation (for example, whether the children have to move to homes in less pleasant neighborhoods, attend schools that are less supportive, or decrease their favorite activities); How well parents co-parent together and how well they parent individually have great potential to help children adapt to life After their parents Separation / divorce .

9 Parenting How each of you provides care for your children can help to protect them from the more hurtful impact of parental Separation or divorce . There are many Parenting behaviors that benefit children of all ages, including: Showing sensitivity to your children s needs The way you physically handle and relate to your children, especially when they are young , can help them learn to feel good about themselves . This is known as developing self-esteem . Physical forms of comfort a good cuddle often beats a good talk . When parents stay emotionally available and warm, they are more responsive to their children s ways of showing what they want and need from the grownups in their life . Showing care for your children by remembering what matters to them Remember the names of their softie/lovey and their friends or teammates . Mention the funny, clever, and loving things they ve done or said in the last few days . Share their most recent activities and accomplishments with their other parent, grandparents, or others.

10 Making your children feel adored and valued Tell your children regularly what you love and admire about him/her . Praise children for all that they do well and encourage them to keep trying to learn skills or behaviors that come harder or more slowly to them, reminding them always that you think they are wonderful human beings . Managing your own anger It is difficult to take care of your children when you are feeling anger or distress . Recognize that anger and grief usually are natural parts of the divorce process . Get help dealing with your anger so that your children are not the targets . Find adults to talk to, read self-help books, or get professional help . But keep your anger out of your relationship with your children . Parenting After Separation Program Section 1 page 7 Relationship Building Blocks SECTION 1 Sharing excitement about whatever your child is turned on to Talk to your children and ask questions about their pleasures especially pleasures such as music, books, friends, sports, pets, and activities.