PRAISE FOR CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS - Trans4mind

1 PRAISE FOR CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS "Relationships are the priority of life, and CONVERSATIONS are the CRUCIAL element in profound caring of relationships. This book helps us to think about what we really want to say. If you want to succeed in both talking and listening, read this book." -Dr. Lloyd J. Ogilvie, chaplain, United States Senate "Important, lucid, and practical, CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS is a book that will make a difference in your life. Learn how to flour ish in every difficult situation." -Robert E. Quinn, ME Tr acy Collegiate Professor of OBHRM, University of Michigan Business School "I was personally and professionally inspired by this book-and I'm not easily impressed.

2 In the fast-paced world of IT, the success of our systems, and our business, depends on CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS we have every day. Unfortunately, because our environment is so technical, far too often we forget about the 'human systems' that make or break us. These skills are the missing foundation piece." -Maureen Burke, manager of training, Coca-Cola Enterprises, Inc. "The book is compelling. Yes, I found myself in too many of their examples of what not to do when caught in these worst-of-all worlds situations! GET THIS BOOK, WHIP OUT A PEN AND GET READY TO SCRIBBLE MARGIN NOTES FURIOUSLY, AND PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE THE INVALUABLE TOOLS THESE AUTHORS PRESENT.

3 I know I did-and it helped me salvage several difficult situations and repair my damaged self-esteem in others. I will need another copy pretty soon. as I'm wearing out the pages in this one!" -James Belasco. best-selling author of Flight of the Buffalo, l!l1trl!prl!l1eur. professor. und l!xl!cutive director of the Financial Tilllrs Knowkdgc Diuloguc " CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS is the most useful self-help book I have ever read. I'm awed by how insightful, readable, well organized, and focused it is. I keep thinking: 'If only I had been exposed to these dialogue skills 30 years ago.

4 '" -John Hatch, founder, FINCA International "One of the greatest tragedies is seeing someone with incredible talent get derailed because he or she lacks some basic skills. CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS addresses the number one reason execu tives derail, and it provides extremely helpful tools to operate in a fast-paced, results-oriented environment." -Karie A. Willyerd, chief talent officer, Solectron "The book prescribes, with structure and wit, a way to improve on the most fundamental element of organizational learning and growth-honest, unencumbered dialogue between individuals.

5 There are one or two of the many leadership/management 'thought' books on my shelf that are frayed and dog-eared from use. CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS will no doubt end up in the same con dition." -John Gill, VP of Human Resources, Rolls Royce USA CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and AI Switzler MCGRAW-HILL New York ChIcago San FrancIsco LIsbon London Madrzd MexIco CIty MIlan New DelhI San Juan Seoul Singapore Sydney Toronto Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS : tools for talking when stakes are high / Kerry Patterson.

6 [et al.]. p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index. ISBN 0-07-140194-6 1. International communication. 2. Interpersonal relations. Patterson, Kerry, McGraw-Hill 2002 A Division of The McGraw Hill Companies I. 2002001129 Copyright 2002 by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. Except as permitted under the United States Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced or distributed in any form or by any means, or stored in a data base or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher.

7 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 DOC/DOC 0 9 8 7 ISBN 0-07-140194-6 This book was set in R Life Roman by Patricia Caruso of McGraw-Hill Professional's DTP composition unit in Hightstown, Printed and bound by Donnelly & Sons Company. McGraw-Hill books are available at special quantity discounts to use as premiums and sales promotions, or for use in corporate training programs. For more information, please write to the Director of Special Sales, Professional Publishing, McGraw-Hill, Two Penn Plaza, New York, NY 10121-2298. Or contact your local bookstore.

8 We dedicate this book to Louise, Celia, Bonnie, and Linda-whose support is abundant, whose love is nourishin and whose patience is just shy of infinite. And to our children Christine, Rebecca, Taylofi Scott, Aislinn, Carat Seth, Samue Hyrum, Ambefi Megan, Chase, Hayley, Bryn, Ambefi Laura, Becca, Rachael, Benjamin, Meridith, Lindsey, Kelley, Todd who have been a wonderful source of learning. Contents FOREWORD XI ACKNOWLEDGMENTS XV CH. 1: What's a CRUCIAL Conversation? And Who Cares? 1 CH. 2: Mastering CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS The Power of Dialogue 17 CH.

9 3: Start with Heart How to Stay Focused on What Yo u Really Wa nt 27 CH. 4: Learn to Look How to Notice When Safety Is at Risk 45 CH. 5: Make It Safe How to Make It Safe to Ta lk about Almost Anything 65 CH. 6: Master My Stories How to Stay in Dialogue When Yo u're Angry, Scared, or Hurt 93 X CONTENTS CH. 7: STATE My Path How to Speak Persuasively, Not Abrasively 119 CH. 8: Explore Others' Paths How to Listen When Others Blow Up or Clam Up 141 CH. 9: Move to Action How to Tu rn CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS into Action and Results 161 CH. 10: Putting It All Together Tools fo r Preparing and Learning 179 CH.

10 11: Yeah, But Advice fo r To ugh Cases 193 CH. 12: Change Your Life How to Turn Ideas into Habits 215 ENDNOTES 229 INDEX 231 Foreword This is a breakthrough book. That is exactly how I saw it when I first read the manuscript. I so resonated with the importance, power, and timeliness of its message that I even suggested to the authors that they title it "Breakthrough CONVERSATIONS ." But as I read deeper, listened to the tapes, and experienced the insight borne of years of experience with this material, I came to under stand why it is titled CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS .