Separation - Family Relationships

1 Separation Separation or adjustment. There divorce does not are many ways of normally end coping with a your involvement Separation but and responsibility they can be as a parent. broadly described Children need the as falling into two continuing basic categories. affection and One reaction is to support of both get stuck in self- parents. This will require cooperation with pity, living in the past, continuing the your former partner which may not always bitterness, putting the children in the be easy. middle of your conflict and turning the The pain of a Separation can be felt in children against their other parent.

2 This many ways. You may feel lonely, type of reaction always means increased desperate, depressed or grief-stricken; you difficulties for everyone, particularly the may feel a failure and lose your self- children. confidence; you may feel angry, jealous or The other reaction is where you try to guilty. Mixed up with all these emotions, make the best of the situation and learn you might also feel a sense of relief. through your experience . Choosing this All of these feelings are normal responses direction gives you the chance to rebuild to a Separation .

3 You should not be your life, regain your self-confidence, alarmed by the fact that you experience find new and satisfying goals and take a them and you should not expect to cope positive view of life again. with everything immediately. On the other The way you handle the Separation very hand, if you nurse feelings such as much affects how your children cope jealousy, anger or despair for too long, with it. During this time of great they may take over and prevent you from difficulty you may find some of the once again leading a fulfilling life. They following suggestions helpful for you and may also get in the way of your children's your children.

4 1. Remember, it can be far less harmful for What happens for a child to go through Family breakdown children when their than to go on living in an unhappy Family where there is extreme tension and parents separate? fighting in the home. Children can react very differently to Separation or divorce. The way they react depends on a number of things, but two important factors are the age of the child and the degree of conflict and animosity between the parents. There is no doubt this is a stressful period for children, but most recover and end up leading normal healthy lives.

5 Children from separated families can How do they behave? develop and flourish just as well as other children. Their adjustment is enhanced Children do not always communicate when parents remain sensitive to the with words. Their responses to their parents' Separation may be expressed in children's needs. behaviour. Separation is often a surprise for children Some children become very withdrawn and they generally experience many of the and avoid talking about the Separation or same feelings as adults. Children can also the absent parent. Others (particularly if grieve for quite a long time.)

6 They may be they are younger) may become very unaware of the problems their parents clingy' and not want to let the parent were having and they may feel shocked they are with out of their sight. These and confused when the Separation occurs. children feel they have lost' the departing They are also likely to feel insecure and parent and are determined not to lose worry whether the remaining parent will their remaining parent. leave them as well. Others may regress' in their behaviour . Some children may feel that they must they may act younger than they did have been to blame.

7 Others may feel before the Separation , talk in baby talk or very angry with either or both of their fall back in their toilet training. Some parents and want to blame one of them. may have nightmares, others may become Sometimes children become unsure rebellious, difficult to handle or aggressive about whether they can still love the with other children and even their parent who left, and they can wonder parents. These are some of the ways your what is happening to the absent parent. children might show their distress. This is Although parents are often upset and their signal that they need your special confused themselves at this time, it is attention.

8 With time, most of these important to try to understand what your behavioural problems disappear. However, children are going through and to if they persist over a long period it is best consider their feelings as well. to seek some help. 2. What happens to children at different ages when parents separate? 1. Birth 2 years 2 /2 5 years Children in this age group are highly Children in this age group begin to be a dependent on their parents. little more independent of their parents. If one parent has taken on primary Separation can be a major crisis for these responsibility for care of a child it is children and they can react with shock almost certain that a strong physical and or depression.

9 For instance, children in emotional dependence will develop this group may show their distress by a between them. Lengthy Separation from change in sleeping habits, toilet habits or this parent can be a source of intense a deterioration in language skills. emotional In this age group distress. also, children A child at this differ from adults age has a very in how they different concept perceive time. of time than does They have less an adult. For time distortion very young than do infants, children a few but still hours will often experience a short seem to be a very period as being a long time and much longer time this needs to be than it is for an considered when adult.

10 Making parenting Pre-school arrangements. children In this age group, children are likely to understand the world through very fret for the absent parent with whom different thought processes than older they need frequent, short periods of children. They often fantasise about what contact to continue their relationship. they don't understand and are likely to A high level of conflict between the make up things from bits of their own parents can make visits extremely experience . They are also often confused stressful for a child of this age. For this by time and days.