Separation - Family Relationships

1 Separation Separation or adjustment. There divorce does not are many ways of normally end coping with a your involvement Separation but and responsibility they can be as a parent. broadly described Children need the as falling into two continuing basic categories. affection and One reaction is to support of both get stuck in self- parents. This will require cooperation with pity, living in the past, continuing the your former partner which may not always bitterness, putting the children in the be easy. middle of your conflict and turning the The pain of a Separation can be felt in children against their other parent. This many ways. You may feel lonely, type of reaction always means increased desperate, depressed or grief-stricken; you difficulties for everyone, particularly the may feel a failure and lose your self- children. confidence; you may feel angry, jealous or The other reaction is where you try to guilty. Mixed up with all these emotions, make the best of the situation and learn you might also feel a sense of relief.

2 through your experience. Choosing this All of these feelings are normal responses direction gives you the chance to rebuild to a Separation . You should not be your life, regain your self-confidence, alarmed by the fact that you experience find new and satisfying goals and take a them and you should not expect to cope positive view of life again. with everything immediately. On the other The way you handle the Separation very hand, if you nurse feelings such as much affects how your children cope jealousy, anger or despair for too long, with it. During this time of great they may take over and prevent you from difficulty you may find some of the once again leading a fulfilling life. They following suggestions helpful for you and may also get in the way of your children's your children. 1. Remember, it can be far less harmful for What happens for a child to go through Family breakdown children when their than to go on living in an unhappy Family where there is extreme tension and parents separate?

3 Fighting in the home. Children can react very differently to Separation or divorce. The way they react depends on a number of things, but two important factors are the age of the child and the degree of conflict and animosity between the parents. There is no doubt this is a stressful period for children, but most recover and end up leading normal healthy lives. Children from separated families can How do they behave? develop and flourish just as well as other children. Their adjustment is enhanced Children do not always communicate when parents remain sensitive to the with words. Their responses to their parents' Separation may be expressed in children's needs. behaviour. Separation is often a surprise for children Some children become very withdrawn and they generally experience many of the and avoid talking about the Separation or same feelings as adults. Children can also the absent parent. Others (particularly if grieve for quite a long time.)

4 They may be they are younger) may become very unaware of the problems their parents clingy' and not want to let the parent were having and they may feel shocked they are with out of their sight. These and confused when the Separation occurs. children feel they have lost' the departing They are also likely to feel insecure and parent and are determined not to lose worry whether the remaining parent will their remaining parent. leave them as well. Others may regress' in their behaviour . Some children may feel that they must they may act younger than they did have been to blame. Others may feel before the Separation , talk in baby talk or very angry with either or both of their fall back in their toilet training. Some parents and want to blame one of them. may have nightmares, others may become Sometimes children become unsure rebellious, difficult to handle or aggressive about whether they can still love the with other children and even their parent who left, and they can wonder parents.

5 These are some of the ways your what is happening to the absent parent. children might show their distress. This is Although parents are often upset and their signal that they need your special confused themselves at this time, it is attention. With time, most of these important to try to understand what your behavioural problems disappear. However, children are going through and to if they persist over a long period it is best consider their feelings as well. to seek some help. 2. What happens to children at different ages when parents separate? 1. Birth 2 years 2 /2 5 years Children in this age group are highly Children in this age group begin to be a dependent on their parents. little more independent of their parents. If one parent has taken on primary Separation can be a major crisis for these responsibility for care of a child it is children and they can react with shock almost certain that a strong physical and or depression.

6 For instance, children in emotional dependence will develop this group may show their distress by a between them. Lengthy Separation from change in sleeping habits, toilet habits or this parent can be a source of intense a deterioration in language skills. emotional In this age group distress. also, children A child at this differ from adults age has a very in how they different concept perceive time. of time than does They have less an adult. For time distortion very young than do infants, children a few but still hours will often experience a short seem to be a very period as being a long time and much longer time this needs to be than it is for an considered when adult. making parenting Pre-school arrangements. children In this age group, children are likely to understand the world through very fret for the absent parent with whom different thought processes than older they need frequent, short periods of children.

7 They often fantasise about what contact to continue their relationship. they don't understand and are likely to A high level of conflict between the make up things from bits of their own parents can make visits extremely experience. They are also often confused stressful for a child of this age. For this by time and days. A calendar showing very young group, it can be helpful if when they will be with either parent may parents stick to a routine and, where be helpful. They are sensitive to criticism possible, provide reminders of the about either parent and may perceive this other parent such as photos. It may as criticism of themselves. also be useful if some special toy or blanket travels with them between households. 3. 5 8 years 8 12 years Children in this age group are beginning Children in this age group are able to to be able to talk about their feelings. speak about their feelings. They experience a conflict of loyalty between They often have an intense wish to each parent and, if the conflict between restore their parents' relationship and parents is high, they may try to cope by say and do things they hope will bring rejecting one parent or trying to keep both this about.

8 They often happy by saying negative things about one want to stay at home to the other. They are also beginning to to be near the experience the world outside their parent with whom Family . They have they spend most sporting and other of their time. interests and social commitments. Similarly, they When you make may feel reluctant parenting to leave the other arrangements you parent at the end should take of a visit and may account of your exhibit children's interests behavioural and activities. This problems which allows them the opportunity to join are noticed by in the social and friends, teachers sporting activities and parents. which are an Children in this important part of age group can their development. have difficulty expressing their worries Where possible, it would be beneficial for and tend to demonstrate them through children to continue their activities their behaviour which can be difficult to regardless of who is caring for them.

9 Understand. 12 16 years It may be helpful if both of you, or adult friends or relations, invite children of In some respects adolescents are this age to express their emotions about increasingly independent of their parents, the Separation , particularly of their even when parents are not separated. desire to get their parents back together. They need to be given time and space to work out their own reactions to their You should discourage children from parents' Separation . If pressured by either taking responsibility for making parent, adolescents are likely to react with arrangements about contact. anger and rejection. They particularly need flexibility in arrangements to allow them to participate in normal adolescent social activities and school events. 4. What is the effect of continuing disagreement over children? Children are very sensitive to conflict conflict. Eventually, because of the stress between their parents.

10 While this causes them, children may become disagreement is normal in any Family , a anxious or distressed before and after continuation of conflict makes life very staying with or visiting the other parent, difficult for children. In fact, research or they may start having problems at shows that this is one of the critical school. factors affecting children's adjustment Children's development can be seriously after Separation or divorce. hampered by exposure to hostility and It is hard for children to enjoy both violence. Overhearing or witnessing parents when they continue fighting after intense conflict is harmful and places they have separated, particularly if they them at risk of long-term emotional and put the children in the middle of the behavioural problems. How parents can make things difficult for children following Separation When children are growing up their where they feel they have to protect parents, or in some cultures members of their parents from hurt or choose their extended Family , are the most between the people they love most.