Shame and Attachment

1 LAWRENCE B SMITH LCSW-C, LICSW 9305 Mintwood Street Silver Spring, Maryland 20901 {301} 589 - 3780 FAX: {301} 588 - 1933 Shame and Attachment THE NATURE OF Shame 1. The feeling of Shame can be described as a sense of smallness, worthlessness, and powerlessness in a given situation. This is compounded by a simultaneous sense of feeling quite exposed and extremely concerned about the other s evaluation of oneself. In fact, Shame can be defined as the emotional experience of another s scorn, real or imagined. The self-in-the-eyes-of-the-other is the focal point of Shame - I am as I am seen . This tends to produce an implosion of the body: head lowered, eyes closed / hidden, and the upper body curved in on itself as if trying to be as small as possible.

2 The aversion of eye contact in such moments is easily understandable and to push for eye contact in moments of Shame can actually be hurtful. 2. Shame is much more visually based than verbally, as people report primarily internal images of being looked at . Shame also induces hyper vigilant scanning in the service of self-protection. 3. Shame is more than a feeling. It is an entire organismic state that affects multiple systems in the body. Shame operates at primitive levels below the reach of rational thought processes. Embarrassment and humiliation are common variants of Shame . Shame compounds itself like compound interest; we are frequently ashamed of feeling ashamed.

3 4. Shame is accompanied by intensified feedback from all perceptual modalities, particularly autonomic reactions such as blushing, sweating, and increased heart rate. These autonomic reactions induce a state of heightened bodily awareness which amplifies the extreme self-consciousness that is a part of feeling Shame . That the autonomic nervous system is triggered by Shame suggests that Shame is interpreted by the brain as a crisis response, with the crisis most likely being a perceived threat to relational bonds and the highly valued resources they contain. Shame also brings with it a subjective sense of time slowing down which serves to magnify anything that occurs during a state of Shame .

4 All these elements come together to give Shame the power to generate fight-flight tendencies (another indicator that Shame is likely a crisis response). The flight option is the behavioral expression of the wish to disappear. The fight option is the verbal / behavioral expression of blame and rage directed towards another. 5. Shame is a self-absorbed, self-centered, and isolating experience. While acutely feeling Shame , an individual is not considering the implications of his behavior for others, but is focused solely on the possible impact on himself. This has obvious troubling implications for developing attachments. 6. Shame is triggered by a perceived fundamental break in one s connectedness to others or to oneself.

5 Behaving in a way that is significantly at odds with one s sense of identity can produce Shame by leaving one feeling they have lost who they thought they were. 7. The more prone someone is to feeling Shame , the more likely they are to have self-esteem deficits, blame others, hold onto resentments, and the less likely they are to feel empathy. Additionally, empirical research has consistently demonstrated a direct relationship between Shame -proneness and depression, suicide, anxiety, addictions and family violence. 8. Shame -proneness in fifth grade accurately predicts all of the following in young-adulthood: drug and alcohol use, risky sexual behavior, legal involvement, suicide attempts, and degree of involvement / lack of involvement with the community.

6 9. Much of the power of what we term traumatic events lies in the Shame bound up with these events. A useful distinction: POWERLESSNESS: inability to influence the environment. HELPLESSNESS: inability to manage, direct, or empower oneself. Either of these perceptions creates Shame as a by-product and either or both occur as part of the Shame experience itself. Hence both of them are both cause and effect. The sense of powerlessness / helplessness includes not only the shaming situation itself but also its aftereffects. This spins an image of isolation out into the future, and this contributes to the intense anxiety that Shame brings with it. The presence of Shame increases the likelihood of future experiences of powerlessness / helplessness which can set up a progressively intensifying cycle.

7 10. Shame has a long history of being used for purposes of socialization {religion, education, family}. However, there is little empirical support for the widely held belief that Shame has an inhibitory effect on behavior. The self-threatening nature of Shame precludes the introspection necessary for longer-term behavioral change. There is empirical evidence that Shame inhibits pro-social behavior, however. 11. PARENTING AND Shame : Childhood Shame bears a strong relationship to all of the following: parental hostility, lack of parental recognition of positive behavior, lack of discipline, neglect, over protectiveness, placing child in a parental role {parentification}, use of conditional approval, use of love withdrawal techniques, discipline that focuses on the child s self rather than behavior, and the use of public humiliation as a discipline tool.

8 For children with Attachment difficulties, ordinary discipline and being given directions is a reliable trigger for a Shame reaction. Shame AVOIDANCE 1. DEFENSES AGAINST Shame : The primary ones are denial, splitting, withdrawal, rageful acting out, perfectionism, entitlement, externalization, pre-emptive shaming of oneself, and inability to give or receive praise. Externalization deflects attention away from the self which reduces the chances of Shame activation by minimizing any self-blaming. With practice, externalization can function as a pre-emptive strike in that it is employed so quickly, Shame never even begins to be felt. 2. Protection from Shame is also sought through disconnecting from one s overall feelings and seeking distance from Shame -associated people, places, or events.

9 Hyper vigilance is the method of choice here, for by placing attention intently on the environment, awareness of what is happening inside (FEELINGS !) is practically eliminated. 3. Shame elicits a turning-of-the-tables , , revenge. Shame -rage aims at triumphing over and humiliating the other, so the other is put in the position of experiencing Shame . In this way, escape from Shame is sought by downloading it onto another. AD children wearing down their mothers typifies this. The mother s sense of being a terrible mother is the recreation, in her, of the child s Shame . Eventually, the mother s Shame -rage will erupt in hostility aimed at the child. This sets up a destructive cycle of reciprocal Shame -rage, and to an AD child, this represents victory.

10 However, this is self-deception in the service of self-protection. Directing hostility towards the other precludes recognizing that it is internalized Shame -rage that is the real threat to oneself. Shame & THINKING 1. Shame is cognitively disorganizing, and this disorganization blocks thoughtful reflection in the moment of Shame . This mental disorganization is also easily perceived as a threat to the self and therefore has much anxiety (which compounds the anxiety of helplessness) attached to it. This anxiety can impede subsequent reflection about Shame experiences after they have occurred which blocks learning from the experience. 2. Shame influences thinking in such a manner that explanations for events always rest on some perceived negative part of the self.