SOS

1 A handbook for survivors of SuicideSOSbyJeffrey Jackson This is a book for people who have lost a loved one to suicide , written by someone who has suffered the same loss. I lost my wife, Gail, to suicide several years ago. Shewas 33 when she took a deliberate overdose of pills. Theemotional journey of the ensuing weeks, months, andyears has been the most difficult of my life. But I survivedand have learned from my experience. Most of all, I haverebuilt my life and found happiness again. Impossible asit may seem right now, youwill survive this, book is notintended to be a complete guide forthe suicide survivor it only scratches the surface.

2 There smuch more you can learn about coping with your uniquegrief than what is offered here. There are many wonderfulbooks on the subject some of which are listed inside that I recommend heartily. However, I ve written thisbook as a kind of bite-sized overview. It s deliberatelyshort and to the point to make the information insidemore accessible. You may even find it useful to carry itaround with you for awhile and refer to it during is also not a book about suicide prevention; thereare many other publications that address that book is for you. About this book For the person you lost,the pain is it s time to start healing yours.

3 Table of ContentsPage 1 Introduction1 Why we say suicide survivor 2 suicide is different3 The Emotional Roller Coaster5 Write yourself a script6 Explaining suicide to children7 Shock & Grief7 Guard your physical health8 Stages of Grief9 Why? 9A Theory: The Accumulation of Pain10Is suicide a choice?12 Learning from the stories of others14 suicide Facts & Myths16 Battling Guilt18 If only I A true tale of two mothers20 Mistaken assumptions21 Anger & Blame22 Special Circumstances24 Acceptance24 Reconciling with a suicide victim26 Moving On27 The suicide Survivor s Affirmation28 Support29 The suicide Survivor s Bill of Rights Someone you love has ended their own life and yours is forever are a survivor of suicide , and as that unwelcomedesignation implies, your survival your emotionalsurvival will depend on how well you learn to cope withyour tragedy.

4 The bad news: Surviving this will be thesecond worst experience of your life. The good news: The worst is already you re enduringis one of the most horrif-ic ordeals possible inhuman experience. Inthe weeks and monthsafter a suicide , survivorsride a roller coaster ofemotions unlike is of all the grief thatpeople experience after a conventional death,you must walk a gauntletof guilt, confusion and emotional turmoil that is in manyways unique to survivors of suicide . How long will it take to get over this? you may ask truth is that you will never get over it, but don t letthat thought discourage you. After all, what kind of peoplewould we be if we truly got over it, as if it were something astrivial as a virus?

5 Your hope lies in getting throughit, puttingyour loss in its proper perspective, and accepting your life asit now lies before you, forever changed. If you can do that,the peace you seek will Why we say suicide survivor We apply the term survivor to our experiencebecause it accurately reflects the difficulties thatface people who have lost a loved one to people prefer the term suicidegriever, fearing confusion with someone who hasattempted suicide themselves. Likewise, someprefer the phrase completed suicide to committed suicide , feeling the latter implies acriminal there are no rules you need obey. Do andsay whatever makes you feel most Death touches all of our lives sooner or it is expected, as with the passing of anelderly relative; sometimes it comes suddenly in theform of a tragic suicide is different.

6 The person you have lost seems tohave chosen death, and that simple fact makes a world ofdifference for those left to grieve. The suicide survivor facesall the same emotions as anyone who mourns a death, butthey also face a somewhat unique set of painful feelings ontop of their in other deaths do we encounter any feelings of , accidents, old we know instinctively that we cannot cause orcontrol these things. But the suicide survivor even if they were only on theperiphery of the deceased s life invariably feels that they might have, couldhave, or should have done something to prevent the suicide . This mistakenassumption is the suicide survivor s greatest enemy.

7 (See page 16). still attaches a stigma to suicide , and it is largelymisunderstood. While mourners usually receive sympathy and compassion, thesuicide survivor may encounter blame, judgement, or exclusion. s not uncommon to feel some form of anger toward a lost lovedone, but it s intensified for survivors of suicide . For us, the person we lost isalso the murderer of the person we lost, bringing new meaning to the term love-hate relationship. (See page 21). we lose a loved one to disease or an accident, itis easier to retain happy memories of them. We know that, if they couldchoose, they would still be here with us.

8 But it s not as easy for the suicidesurvivor. Because our loved one seems to have made a choice that is abhorrentto us, we feel disconnected and divorced from their memory. We are in astate of conflict with them, and we are left to resolve that conflict is Different The challenge of coping with a loved one s suicide isone of the most trying ordeals anyone ever has toface, but make no mistake you must confront it. Ifyou attempt to ignore it sweep it under the carpet of yourlife you may only be delaying an even deeper pain. Thereare people who have suffered breakdowns decades after asuicide, because they refused or were forbidden to ever talkabout heals, but time alone cannot heal the suicide sur-vivor.

9 You must use that time to heal yourself and lean onthe help and support ofothers. It might takeyears to truly restoreyour emotional well-being, but you can beassured one thing:it will get easier. However, some of thedifficult emotions youshould come to You may backslide from time to might have a few days ina row where you feel better and then find your sadness return suddenly perhaps even years later. This is natural, so don t be discouraged. You willhave ups and downs, but generally, coping with your loss will get easier over time. You will encounter painful reminders song on the scent of their favorite a photograph.

10 Any of these could bringon sudden feelings of sadness or even the sensation that your are reliving theexperience of the suicide . When it happens, stay calm. Get away from thereminder if you need to and focus on positive Emotional Roller Coaster The American PsychiatricAssociation ranks thetrauma of losing a loved one tosuicide as catastrophic on par with that of a concentrationcamp experience. Friends and relatives may not offer the support you need. You willtruly learn who your friends are during this crisis. A casual acquaintance mayturn out to be your most reliable supporter, while a lifelong friend might turn adeaf ear.