The Bible on Marriage - Connected Marriage

1 The Bible on Marriage 1 The Bible Reference on Marriage 2018 Connected Marriage Contents What s the Bible Say About Marriage ?.. 4 Your Spouse Is an Indispensable Help .. 5 Ezer In the Old Testament .. 5 Love One Another Maximizing Positive Affect .. 7 Maximize the Positive Affect .. 7 Showing Positive 9 Being Grateful for Partner s Positive Qualities .. 10 Sharing Fondness and Admiration; Affirming the Other .. 10 Catching the Other Person Doing Good Things and Expressing Appreciation Rather Than Trying to Catch Them Doing Bad Things .. 12 Avoiding Mere Flattery .. 12 Meeting Needs .. 13 Empathy / Listening, Getting In Touch With Partner s Feelings, Pain, Needs, Dreams .. 14 Creating Shared Meanings .. 15 Discovering and Support Each Other s Life Dreams .. 15 Turning Toward One Another in Frequent, if Small, 15 Being a Friend.

2 16 Having Fun, Being Playful .. 16 Accepting Influence .. 16 Being Trustworthy and/or Giving Trust .. 17 Enjoying Sexual Intimacy and Benefits of Associated Body Chemistry .. 17 Understanding Love Maps .. 17 Sense of We-ness Versus Me-ness .. 18 Pray For Others .. 18 Be Enthusiastic .. 18 Show Love in Precise, Knowledgeable and Timely Ways .. 18 Show Love and Respect .. 19 Regulating Conflict Constructively .. 20 Maintain Positive Affect During Conflicts .. 20 Resolve Issues so the Negative Thoughts Don t Keep Recycling in Your Mind .. 20 Being Willing to Discuss It Constructively and Resolve Problems Where Possible .. 20 2 The Bible Reference on Marriage 2018 Connected Marriage Attack the Problem, Not Each Other .. 21 Avoiding Harsh Start-up and Use a Gentle Start to Any Potentially Tense Discussion.

3 21 Begin Repair Attempts at Lower Levels of Negativity .. 22 Avoid Blaming Criticism .. 23 Avoid Defensiveness .. 23 Avoid Contempt .. 24 Avoid Stonewalling .. 24 Honoring Weaknesses, Enduring Vulnerabilities .. 24 Editing, Thinking before You 25 Soothing Self/Other Effectively, Taking Breaks to Calm Emotions .. 26 Remaining Calm during Conflict .. 26 Positive versus Negative Sentiment Override .. 27 Remaining More or Less Affectively Neutral During Conflict .. 27 Using Active Listening While Being Neutral .. 27 Being Willing and Able to Compromise .. 28 Complimenting Your Relationship While In Conflict .. 28 Taking Responsibility for Your Contributions to the Conflict .. 28 Using Humor .. 28 Looking for Points of Agreement .. 28 Finding Dreams within a Conflict .. 30 Not Turning Against or Away.

4 30 Avoid Flooding the Other Emotionally or Being Flooded as This Blocks Empathy and Effective Problem 30 Avoid Merely Summarizing Your Own Views Rather Than Ensuring You Understand Your Partner s Feelings and Views .. 31 Emotional Regulation, Comfort with Your Own Emotions / Discussing Emotions with Others .. 31 Situational Anger .. 31 Being Truthful, Not Lying, Not Slandering .. 33 Forgiving .. 33 Be Truthful, in Love .. 35 Resolve Conflict .. 36 Joint Prayer .. 36 Avoiding Escalation of Destructive Patterns .. 37 Avoid the Nasty State of Gridlock .. 37 3 The Bible Reference on Marriage 2018 Connected Marriage Avoid Escalating Conflict .. 37 Avoid the Use of Physical or Emotional Abuse Designed to Punish or Control the Other .. 38 Avoid Development of Exaggerated, Negative Attributions About the Other s Character.

5 38 Avoid Making Unfavorable Comparisons of Your Current Partner to Someone Else .. 39 Avoid the Distance and Isolation Cascade .. 39 Foundational Values and Traits .. 40 Allow God to Work in Your Life .. 40 Commit Unconditionally .. 41 Love Others .. 41 Able to Earn a Living with Hard Work .. 41 Avoid Sex or Drug Addiction .. 43 Be Vulnerable .. 44 Be Humble .. 45 Focus on Understanding Others Rather Than Justifying Yourself .. 46 Be Unselfish .. 46 Develop Personal Virtue .. 47 Don t Be Impulsive .. 47 Be Able to Delay Gratification .. 48 Be Sexually Faithful .. 50 Avoid Self-deceiving Pride .. 51 Trust in God Over All Else .. 51 4 The Bible Reference on Marriage 2018 Connected Marriage What s the Bible Say About Marriage ? I am thrilled that you want to know what the Bible says about Marriage and relationships!

6 The word of God is active and alive! When my wife, Michelle, and I first began in Marriage ministry, we searched the Bible for wisdom. What I learned is that it is not as easy as simply doing a word search. There are multiple topics and messages. We struggled with how to make this easy. I also wanted to learn what Marriage researchers had determined to be Marriage best practices. We loved the writing of Dr. John Gottman. Rather than starting with a theory, he decided to see how couples deal with conflict in real life. He had couples come and stay in his Marriage lab where he would watch them. He studied hundreds of couples. He was able to find patterns of behaviors that separated the masters from the disasters of relationships. He and his colleagues got so that they could predict whether a couple would divorce with over 90% accuracy.

7 We loved his best practice concepts. As a Christian, we found his concepts to be totally aligned with a biblically based Marriage . We started to incorporate them into our Marriage education classes. I ran into Dr. Walter Schumm. He created a table that linked the major Gottman concepts to the supporting Biblical passages. He graciously gave us his permission to use his material. I want to provide a resource to you that can act as a Bible reference for you. This eBook can be can be used for Bible studies, sermons and individual devotions. We have laid it out by grouping Bible passages by topics. The first topic is all about how your spouse is your indispensable help. Then, we grouped topics that Dr. Gottman identified as key to a healthy Marriage relationship. There are five major sections, with additional sub-themes: 1.

8 Your Spouse Is an Indispensable Help 2. Love One Another / Maximizing Positive Affect 3. Regulating Conflict Constructively 4. Avoiding Escalation of Destructive Patters or Attitudes 5. Foundational Values and Traits We pray that this paper will help you to draw closer, to minister to others and to become more Connected to your spouse. In Christ, Phil Carlson 5 The Bible Reference on Marriage 2018 Connected Marriage Your Spouse Is an Indispensable Help The LORD God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. Genesis 2:18 (NIV) In Genesis, the Bible says that God created a helper for Adam. That word helper doesn t translate well. Helper sounds like an assistant or a servant. The word actually means much, much more. The word for helper is ezer (pronounced ay-zer ), and it is used in the context of indispensable rescue and support.

9 In the Old Testament, ezer is used twenty-one times. It is used either in reference to military help in dire circumstances or in reference to God as a helper. In Marriage , God created someone to be your partner that you turn to for protection, rescue and soothing. This person is someone that you turn to when you need help. They are your comforter, rescuer and support. The following passages are the way in which ezer is used in the Old Testament. Ezer In the Old Testament Genesis 2:18 (NIV) The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper [ezer] suitable for him. Exodus 18:4 Moses had said, The God of my father has been my help [ezer] and delivered me from the sword of Pharaoh.. Deuteronomy 33:7 And this is the blessing to Judah. He said, Listen, O Lord, to Judah s voice, and bring him to his people.

10 May his power be great, and may you help [ezer] him against his foes. Deuteronomy 33:26 There is no one like God, O Jeshurun, who rides through the sky to help [ezer] you, on the clouds in majesty. Deuteronomy 33:29 You have joy, Israel! Who is like you? You are a people delivered by the Lord, your protective [ezer] shield and your exalted sword. 6 The Bible Reference on Marriage 2018 Connected Marriage Psalm 20:2 May he send you help [ezer] from his temple; from Zion may he give you support! Psalm 33:20 We wait for the Lord; he is our deliverer [ezer] and shield. Psalm 70:5 I am oppressed and needy! O God, hurry to me! You are my helper [ezer] and my deliverer! O Lord, do not delay Psalm 89:17 For you give them splendor and strength [ezer]. By your favor we are victorious.