THE THEORY OF - Dramatic Publishing

1 England Australia NewZealand The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois**NOTICE** ,Woodstock,nlinois60098 COPYRIGHTLAWGIVESTHEA UTHORORTHEAUTHOR' ;obiervanceofcopyrightlawisnotonlyethica l, , ,electronicormechanical,includingphotoco py,recording,video-tape,film,oranyinfonn ationstorageandretrievalsystem, ,motionpicture,radio, ,foreignlanguage,tabloi~recitati~lecturi n&publicationandreading, , (THETHEORYOFEVERYTHING)ISBN:1-58342-125- 4 The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, IllinoisforBrighdeMullins The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, IllinoisIMPORTANTBILLINGANDCREDITREQUIRE MENTSA llproducersoftheplaymustgivecredittothea uthor(s)oftheplayinallprogramsdistribute dinconnectionwithperformancesoftheplayan dinallinstancesinwhichthetitleoftheplaya ppearsforpurposesofadvertising,publi-ciz ingorothetwiseexploitingtheplayand/ora (s)Inustalsoappearona separateline, ,immediatelyfol-lowingthetitle, (s),ifincludedinthisbook, \~thisnotice,nustappear: ProducedbyspecialarrangementwithmEDRAMAT ICPUBUSHINGCOtvtPANYofWoodstoc~Illinoisn The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, IllinoisTHETHEORYOFEVERYTHINGAP layinTwoActsFor3 Menand4 Women(allAsianAmerican)CHARACTERS(inorde rofappearance)PATTY39;a1baiAmerican;immi gratedtoAmericaattheageof16;Hira' ;a FilipinoAmerican;immigratedtoAmericaatth eageof1;Shitnmy' ;aChineseAmerican; ;NerssisterMAY65;a Thaiimmigrant;immigratedtoAmericaattheag eof42;Patty'smotherBIRO41;a JapaneseAmerican;immigratedtoAmericaatth eageof26;Patty'shusbandSHIMMY.

2 43;a FilipinoAmerican;immigratedtoAmericaatth eageof23;Gilbert'smotherNEF26;aChineseAm erican; ;Lana'sbrotherBIRO, , ' :LasVegas, :Thepresent(ActOne:Saturday,ActTwo:Sunda y).Approximaterunningtime:1 hour,45minutes. The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, IllinoisABOUTTHEPLAYTheTheoryofEverythin greceivedtheInternationalHer-aldTribune/ SRTP laywritingAward,theJulie ,California, ,2000;itopenedinLosAnge-lesonNovember8, , ..BRENDONMARCFERNANDEZ The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, IllinoisACTONESCENEONE(PATrYstands,facin gtheaudience.) 'mtalkingabout:bighead,bigblackeyes,tiny holeswherethenoseshouldbe, , readthatthechancesofa person seeingaUFOisequaltothechancesofa 'tmthirty-nine,andIhaveneverseena , , 'tlifebefairforonce?I deservetoseea deservetobeabducted7 The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois8 THETHEORYOFEVERYTIflNGAct! ' ,andI 'swhatI'vefiguredout:they'renotgoingtoco metomeuntilI'veshownthemthatI' ' ,readbooks,watchdocu-mentaries, ' knoweverythingthereistoknowaboutArea51,a boutProjectBlueBook, 'vewrittenletterstothePresident,tomycong ressman,tothemilitary, "Well,guesswhat?

3 Lam.(Blackout.)SCENETWO( ;a patiotablewitha ceramicJapaneseManekiNekoluckycatinthece nter;thereceiverofacordlessphonenearthec at;astackofphotocopieddocu-ments,newspap ersandmagazinesnearthephone;twopatiochai rsaroundthetable;a ,whichleadstotheroofaccessstairwell,is The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, lawnchairL;sheisapparentlyinherownworld, ) ~ , !Doyouunderstandme?19vegotthingstothinka bouthere,andI ,therefore,thus,hence,19mnotlisteningtoy ou! 'syourpoint? ' (pause). ,me, 'san-otherreasonFrankdumpedme. The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, ~mnot? ,youare, ,Idon' ' :well:it9slikethis:Idon' don 'rechangingyourname? :(Pause.)Hereitis:(Pause.)Fromthismoment on:(Pause.)I nowwannabeknown:(Pause.) (pause). ' , ,I haveotherthingstodo, ,I' The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, ' ' 'mDotdoingit, ,Lana,we' ~ ' ! 'tthatbecool? ~reyou,crazy? ,c'mon,listen,we'rebothatthisveryweirdju nctureinourlives,right?This,this,Idon'tk now,thismeetingplaceof,offundamental,ub, youknow,loneliness,andsomethingmonumenta llygoodneedstohappen,orwemight,hell,weju stmightendupina ~veknowneachotheralmostallourlives,it' :(Pause.)

4 Willyoumarryme? ,I ' ~firstofall,I'mtooyoungandyou'retooyoung . The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, ~ ,secondofall,themostobviousreason:we' ,so? ~ ,no, ~mFilipino?"ThosedirtySouth-eastAsians." ~ ~ ,whereareyougoing? ' ' ,please, ' ,that'sright:you' ' " , mean,c'mon,myboyfrienddumpedme,andI gotkickedoutofschool, 'tjustrolloffme, ' The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, , , ' (pause).WhatthehellamI gonnatellmyparents? 'ttellthemthatIgot ,ontopoftheirdreamsbeingshattered,I' loan? yearanda ,I' ,let' 'ta , , (Pause.)It' ~ ' gottheletterthismorning."We'tresorrytoin formyouthat,duetoyour The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois14 THETHEORYOFEVERYTIllNGActIpooracademicpe rfonnance,you refucked: Immedi-atelycalledupFranktotellhimabouti t,andinsteadofsupportandloveI ,I don'tthinkthisrelationshipisgonnaworkout .' prick.(Pause.) ' ,c " wasmeanttogetbootedfromlawschoolsoIcould -what-pursuemylifelongdreamofbecominga kenorunner?

5 ' , 'llputina CircusHotelandCasinoisnotmydestiny, ,forChrist'ssake.( ,holdingalong~slenderbox.) ~r'hat reyoudoinghere? , , "msortofona 'ssortoflikea SpringBrea~ The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, " sawyourparentstheotherdayattheirres-taur ant,andtheydidn~ ' ,no,I' ' , ' ,wewon' ,Gilbert,your ' ,wewon' , ,stopactinglikethis.( ,sitsona lawnchair,playsblackjackbyhimselfPATTY beginsopeningthebox.) sweartoyou:I ' ' 'salwaysbraggingabouthoweverythinginThai landissomuchbetterthanAmerica."Well,inTh ailandwehavethis;well,inThailandwe The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, saidtoher:uYouhavea lotofhookers,too." (PATrYpullsanenvelopeoutofthebox,beginst oopenit.) guessthisgiftissupposedtobeformybirthday .(Reading.)uHappyforty."That' (PATrYpullsa bookoutofthebox.) '" ,butifyoustarereallyhardthere'sa ,yousee,is justa ,you~ , guessIdon' (offstage).Helloooooooooooo! 'shere. The Dramatic Publishing Company, Woodstock, Illinois