Twelve Steps of Adult Children Workbook - SHARE! the Self ...

1 Twelve Steps of Adult Children Workbook On the Cover: The front cover of the ACA Workbook depicts the Laundry List Tree, which represents the traits of an Adult child. The tree also shows the distinction between the traits which are learned in childhood and the dejects of character that develop later in lifo. The Laundry List Traits represent the limbs while the character dejects are the fruit. The back cover depicts the Recovery Tree and the possible results to be realized by working through the ACA Twelve Steps . With recovery, we integrate many of the Laundry List traits while removing many of the dejects of character . Approved by the 2008 ACA Annual Business Conference Copyright 2007 by Adult Children of Alcoholics World Service Organization Post Office Box 3216 Torrance, CA 90510 All rights reserved. Twelve Steps of Adult Children Workbook ISBN 978-0-9789797-1-3 Printed in the United States of America 13 14 15 14 '~dult Child" What is an Adult Child? "The concept of Adult Child came from the Alateens who began the Hope for Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting.

2 The original members of our fellowship, who were over eighteen years old, were adults; but as Children they grew up in alcoholic homes. Adult Child also means that when confronted, we regress to a stage in our childhood." ACA History-an interview with Tony A., 1992. Editor's Note: More than a decade has passed since one of our primary founders, Tony A., was interviewed on the topic of the fellowship that he helped found with Alateen members in late 1977 and 1978. For this book we will use Tony's words as the foundation to define the Adult child personality. An Adult child is someone who responds to Adult situations with self-doubt, self-blame or a sense of being wrong or inferior-all learned from stages of childhood. Without help, we unknowingly operate with ineffictive thoughts and judgments learned in childhood. The regression can be subtle, but it is there sabotaging our decisions and relationships. Note: Both of these items are from the introductory material of the ACA Fellowship Text ( Steps and Traditions Book).

3 This Workbook is a companion book for Chapter Seven of the ACA Fellowship Text. Chapter Seven is the Twelve Steps chapter in the ACA book. iii The "Laundry List" (14 Characteristics of an Adult Child) These are characteristics we seem to have in common due to being brought up in an alcoholic household. 1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures. 2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process. 3. We are frightened by angry people and any personal criticism. 4. We either become alcoholics, marry them, or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs. 5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships. 6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc. 7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

4 8. We became addicted to excitement. 9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and " " rescue. 10. We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (denial). 11. We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem. 12. We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us. 13. Alcoholism is a family disease and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink. 14. Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors. - TanyA., 1978 ACA Twelve Steps 1. We admitted we were powerless over the effects of alcoholism or other family dysfunction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

5 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. 3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understand God. 4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. 5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. 6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character . 7. Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings. 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. 10. Continued to take personal inventory and, when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps , we tried to carry this message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

6 '-.,-,"'~-''-. =:~~. The Solution The solution is to become your own loving parent. As ACA becomes a safe place for you, you will find freedom to express all the hurts and fears that you have kept inside and to free yourself from the shame and blame that are carry-overs from the past. You will become an Adult who is imprisoned no longer by childhood reactions. You will recover the child w ithin you, learning to love and accept yourself. The healing begins when we risk moving out of isolation. Feelings and buried memories will return. By gradually releasing the burden of unexpressed grief, we slowly move out of the past. We learn to reparent ourselves with gentleness, humor, love and respect. This process allows us to see our biological parents as the instruments of our existence. Our actual parent is a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God. Although we had alcoholic or dysfunctional parents, our Higher Power gave us the Twelve Steps of Recovery. This is the action and work that heals us: we use the Steps ; we use the meetings; we use the telephone.

7 We share our experience, strength, and hope with each other. We learn to restructure our sick thinking one day at a time. When we release our parents from responsibility for our actions today, we become free to make healthful decisions as actors, not reactors. We progress from hurting, to healing, to helping. We awaken to a sense of wholeness we never knew was possible. By attending these meetings on a regular basis, you will come to see parental alcoholism or family dysfunction for what it is: a disease that infected you as a child and continues to affect you as an Adult . You will learn to keep the focus on yourself in the here and now. You will take responsibility for your own life and supply your own parenting. You will not do this alone. Look around you and you will see others who know how you feel. We will love and encourage you no matter what. We ask you to accept us just as we accept you. This is a spiritual program based on action coming from love. We are sure that as the love grows inside you, you will see beautiful changes in all your relationships, especially with God, yourself, and your parents.

8 The ACA Promises 1. We will discover our real identities by loving and accepting ourselves. 2 . Our self-esteem will increase as we give ourselves approval on a daily basis. 3. Fear of authority figures and the need to "people-please" will leave us. 4. Our ability to share intimacy will grow inside us. 5. As we face our abandonment issues, we will be attracted by strengths and become more tolerant of weaknesses. 6. We will enjoy feeling stable, peaceful, and financially secure. 7. We will learn how to play and have fun in our lives. 8. We will choose to love people who can love and be responsible for themselves. 9. Healthy boundaries and limits will become easier for us to set. 10. Fears of failure and success will leave us, as we intuitively make healthier choices. 11. With help from our ACA support group, we will slowly release our dysfunctional behaviors. 12. Gradually, with our Higher Power's help, we will learn to expect the best and get it. How the ACA Twelve Step Workbook Was Developed The ACA Twelve Step Workbook was developed during a two-year period, beginning in 2005.

9 As part of the development and input process, ACA groups across the United States read and used the Workbook in small groups and in one-on-one recovery between a sponsor and sponsee. These working groups submitted input and comments that shaped the tone, focus, and detail of this Workbook . This Workbook is a reformatted version of Chapter Seven from the ACA Fellowship Text (ACA "big book"). Chapter Seven and this Workbook are very similar; however, the Workbook has questions at the end of Steps One, Two, and Three and additional writing assignments. Twelve Steps of Adult Children is designed as a Step-study book and stand alone piece of literature. It can serve as the main piece of literature for Twelve Step discussions at an ACA meeting. The Workbook also is designed to be used by ACA members wanting to work the ACA Twelve Steps with a sponsor. Along with the writing assignments, there are worksheets for the Twelve Steps in addition to questions that help unlock clarity about our childhood experienc~.

10 !: and our new path of recovery. For example, Step Four contains 35 pages with detailed writing and 12 Workbook items on shame, abandonment, PTSD, feelings, and sexual abuse history. The ACA Workbook also addresses the topics of grief and integration in addition to the Twelve Steps . With some modification the Workbook can be used by a group of ACAs wishing to work the Steps together during a 12-week to 16-week period. 2005 Annual Business Conference of ACA The 2005 Annual Business Conference of Adult Children of Alcoholics approved the concept of a Twelve Step Workbook that would accompany the ACA Fellowship Text. This Workbook is specific to the ACA experience of working and living the Twelve Steps . What Does ACA Recovery Look Like? By working the Twelve Steps of ACA and by attending meetings regularly, we begin to realize that ACA recovery involves emotional sobriety*. That is what ACA recovery looks like. But what is emotional sobriety? To understand emotional sobriety, we must first understand emotional intoxication, which is also known as para-alcoholism.