WIDOWHOOD THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAPS HOW TO …

1 WIDOWHOOD . THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAPS . HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM. Loss of a spouse is considered one of THE GRIEVING TRAPS . life's most stressful experiences. And this is especially true for women, who are not always From personal experience and my encouraged to develop financial and emotional psychology practice, I've concluded that independence when their spouses are alive. mourning takes at least four seasons. Problem: As a result, widows must deal with Each season brings up memories that can normal grief and loneliness and they may also temporarily intensify the sense of loss. have frightening doubts about financial However, some people become stuck at security and their ability to function on their one or more points in the grief process. They own. may be paralyzed by overwhelming emotions or However, once these issues are dealt unable to carry out basic activities such as with successfully, WIDOWHOOD can actually mark buying groceries or paying the bills weeks or the beginning of a highly rewarding and months after the loss.

2 You may be stuck in grief satisfying chapter of a woman's life. if, several months after your husband's death, Key: Learn to see WIDOWHOOD not as the you notice any of the following: end of your life but as a time to achieve personal Continued weight loss. goals that you had previously neglected. Sleep problems. Chronic feelings of fear or THE GRIEF PROCESS desperation, Inability to stay alone. Mourning a loved one is an intensely Reversion to a childish state. A. painful process, but it is a process. younger widow may move back in The pain eventually recedes, making with her parents and may not want room for a new, satisfying way of life. The grief to leave. process includes the following stages: Inability to make decisions or Shock. Initial reactions may involve making a series of bad decisions.

3 Numbness and disbelief as well as overwhelming because concentration is too difficult. sadness. Unwillingness to talk about anything Emotional expression. Once the initial but the loss. paralysis has worn off, the bereaved person may If you're having trouble moving through need to cry for hours on end or talk about the the grief process, seek help. One of the best loss to whomever will listen. sources is a support group for widows, which Acceptance/adjustment. The widow you can locate through your church or begins to face the fact that her husband is no synagogue or organizations such as the longer in her life. She reassesses her personal American Association of Retired Persons. goals and values, and starts to think about the Not everyone is a joiner.

4 If you're more changes she needs to make now that she is on comfortable with one-to-one support, you may her own. want to consider grief counseling with a Rebuilding. She slowly begins to psychologist, social worker, minister or rabbi. nourish new interests and friendships and to Make sure this person has specific training and realize that life can still be enjoyable and experience in dealing with issues of loss as well fulfilling. as women's issues. OTHER EMOTIONAL ISSUES Making new friends. Obviously, you shouldn't give up your old friends. But moving Guilt. If a spouse died from an illness or beyond your existing circle and bringing new accident, the widow may feel guilty about being people into your life is desirable. The spared. Some women may be troubled by the combination of new people and familiar ones is feeling that they should have done more for their important to your recovery.

5 Husbands while they were still alive. Feelings of Good ways to meet interesting people disloyalty often arise when a widow attempts to include support groups, volunteer work, classes move out of mourning and into new friendships. at a community college or Y, and during Another kind of guilt may strike a sports and other physical activities (such as woman whose marriage was unhappy or tennis, yoga, aerobics). unsatisfying especially if her reaction to her I've been referring to female friends, but husband's death was more relief than sadness. dating is another way of looking forward. You Like unchanging grief, being stuck in shouldn't feel pressured to date but it's also guilt is a problem that may require professional not healthy to avoid dating simply out of fear or counseling.

6 Guilt never accomplishes loyalty to your late husband. Your husband isn't anything but it can be hard to identify and here now you are and you need to move on. work through on your own. Besides, dating doesn't imply a commitment. It Fear of imposing. During the month can be a way of enriching your life by getting to after the death, you'll probably be surrounded by know a variety of interesting new people. neighbors, friends and family who visit and Important: Don't get pushed into sexual bring food and support. contact if you're not ready. When you are ready, You'll need their help just as much later remember that times have changes learn on, but they may be less likely to come around about and practice safe sex. on their own not because they don't care, but because there are fewer prescribed roles for them to follow.

7 Most people want to help but don't know how. Don't be afraid to let family, friends and neighbors know when you need companionship, an ear to listen to you, a ride or Dr. Mary R. Donahue, The Bottom Line, . any other kind of support. November 15, 1993.