You Just Don t Understand

1 You just Don't Understand 1. You Jus Don't Understand . By: Deborah Tannen, Synopsis: Deborah Tannen uses telling examples to stunningly demonstrate how even in the closest of relationships women and men live in different worlds made of different words. The deft way she elucidates how our complex verbal give and take works or does not work and shows how the sexes can unravel their tangled language has made You just Don't Understand a cultural phenomenon and has kept it on the New York Times best seller list for over 4. years. Also by Deborah Tannen: That's Not what I Meant Scholarly Books: Talking Voices: Repetition, Dialogue, and Imagery in Conversational Discourse Conversational Style: Analyzing Talk Among Friends Lilika Nakos Linguistics in Context: Connecting Observation and Understanding (Editor) Languages and Linguistics: The Interdependence of Theory, Data, and Application (Co-Editor with James E.)

2 Alatis). Perspectives on Silence (Co-Editor with Muriel Saville-Troike). Coherence in Spoken and Written Discourse (Editor). Spoken and Written Language: Exploring Orality and Literacy (Editor) Analyzing Discourse: Text and Talk (Editor). 2. You Jus Don't Understand . Women and Men in Conversation Deborah Tannen, .). Ballantine Books New York Sale of this book without a front cover may be unauthorized. if this book is coverless, it may have been reported to the publisher as "unsold or destroyed" and neither the author nor the publisher may have received payment for it. Copyright 1990 by Deborah Tannen, All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. Published in the United States by Ballantine Books, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and distributed in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto. This edition published by arrangement with William Morrow and Company, Inc.

3 Ann Landers's column reprinted with permission of Ann Landers, Creators and Los Angeles Times Syndicates. "In the Crook of His Neck" from Circling Home, copyright 1989 by Cheryl Romney-Brown. Reprinted by permission. Excerpts from "The Whistle Blower's Morning After," copyright 1986 by The New York Times Company. Reprinted by permission. Excerpts from Fear of Flying by Erica Jong, copyright 1973 by Erica Mann Jong. Reprinted by permission of Henry Holt and Company, Inc. Excerpt from The Accidental Tourist by Anne Tyler, copyright 1985 by Anne Tyler Modar-ressi. Reprinted by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, Inc. Excerpts from Scenes from a Marriage by Ingmar Bergman, translated by Alan Blair, English translation copyright 1974 by Alan Blair. 3 Reprinted by permission of Pantheon Books, a division of Random House, Inc. Excerpts from In a DifjCrent Voice by Carol Gilligan, copyright by Carol Gilligan.

4 Reprinted by permission of the author and Harvard University Press. All rights reserved. Excerpts from "You're Ugly Too" by Lorrie Moore, copyright 1989 by Lorrie Moore. Reprinted by permission. Originally published in The New Yorker Excerpts from "Volpone" by Jane Shapiro, copyright 1987 by Jane Shapiro. Reprinted by permission. Originally published in The Neu Yorker Excerpts from Grown Ups, copyright by Jules Feiffer. Used by permission of The Lantz Company. Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 90-93519 ISBN: 0-345-37205-(/ Cover design by James R. Harris Cover photograph by Marcia Lippman Manufactured in the United States of America First Ballantine Books Edition: June 1991. 40 39 38 37 36 35 34 33 32 31. TO MY FATHER AND MOTHER SOURCE AND SUSTENANCE. CONTENTS. ACKNOWLEDGMENTS. PREFACE. ONE Different Words, Different Worlds TWO Asymmetries: Women and Men Talking at Cross-purposes THREE "Put Down That Paper and Talk to Me!)

5 " Rapport-talk and Report-talk FOUR Gossip FIVE 'TI1 Explain It to You": Lecturing and Listening SIX Community and Contest: Styles in Conflict SEVEN Who's Interrupting? Issues of Dominance and Control EIGHT Damned If You Do NINE "Look at Me When I'm Talking to You!": Cross Talk Across the Ages TEN Living with Asymmetry: Opening Lines of Communication NOTES ACKNOWLEDGMENTS. No usual thanks are sufficient to acknowledge my debt to the generous colleagues who read drafts of this book and improved it with their comments. For these gifts of time and attention, I am grateful to A. L. Becker, Penelope Eckert, Ralph Fasold, Michael Geis, Karl Goldstein, Robin Lakoff, Neal Norrick, Susan Philips, Naomi Tannen, Barrie Thorne, and David Wise. My debt to Robin Lakoff goes further back. The pioneer in linguistic research on language and gender, she provided a starting point for me, and for a generation of scholars, by blazing a trail that has since branched into many diverging paths of inquiry.

6 Her course at the 1973 Linguistic Institute largely inspired me to become a linguist and to choose as my training ground the University of California, Berkeley, where she was one of my teachers. She has remained a friend, a generous supporter, and a model of a scholar who pursues theoretical research without losing sight of its practical implications. My gratitude to Ralph Fasold is also far ranging. He has been a continuing and cherished source of intellectual support and challenge, engaging me in dialogue on my research and offering illuminating perspectives, examples, and sources from his own--as well as invaluable computer consulting. I am grateful to Georgetown University for providing me with this perfect colleague and friend. Also at Georgetown, I thank James Alatis, dean of the School of 5 Languages and Linguistics; my colleagues in the sociolinguistics program; and the students who have listened and contributed to my developing ideas.

7 Many others were helpful in vital ways, including reading and commenting on parts of drafts, giving examples from their own experience, or discussing ideas with me. Although I list them together, each person's contribution is individually appreciated: Katherine Abramovitz, Steve Barish, Niko Besnier, Tom Brazai-tis, Bruce Brigham, Marjorie Brigham, Penelope Brown, Jocelyn Burton, Caroline Celce-Murcia, andrew Cohen, Bronwyn Davies, Bambi Evans- murray , Paul Friedrich, Allen Furbeck, Jim Garofallou, John Goldsmith, Paul Goldstein, Marjorie Harness Goodwin, John Guarnaschelli, Annie Hawkinson, Ray Hays, Paul Hopper, Deborah James, Christina Kakava, Judith Katz-Schwartz, Carolyn Kinney, Mark Kohut, Helen Kotsonis, Addie Macovski, Joseph Mahay, Alan Marx, Rachel Myerowitz, Susie Napper, Myriam Nastase, Mandana Navid-Tabrizi, Rebekah Perks, Molly Peterson, PuaPua Ponafala, Dennis Preston, Lucy Ray, Dan Read, Chuck Richardson, Celia Roberts, Joanna Robin, Elif Rosenfeld, Cynthia Roy, Pamela Saunders, Deborah Schiffrin, Gail Schricker, Tom Schricker, Amy Sheldon, Wendy Smith, Kyong Sook Song, Carola Sprengel, Jana Staton, Dorothy Tannen.

8 Eli Tannen, Gary Weaver, Bob Webb, Etsuko Yamada, and Haru Yamada. I thank Bruce Dorval for the opportunity to analyze his videotapes and transcripts of friends talking and for permission to use excerpts from them. I also thank Suzanne Gluck, who is everything anyone could wish for in an agent and more, and the entire staff of William Morrow and Company, but especially my editor, Maria Guarnaschelli, who has believed passionately in the book from its inception and has lavishedon it her boundless enthusiasm and energy. To my husband, thank you for everything. PREFACE. Each person's life is lived as a series of conversations. Analyzing everyday conversations, and their effects on relationships, has been the focus of my career as a sociolinguist. In this book I listen to the voices of women and men. I make sense of seemingly senseless misunderstandings that haunt our relationships, and show that a man anda woman can interpret the same conversation differently, even when 6 there is no apparent misunderstanding.

9 ! explain why sincere attempts to communicate are so often confounded, and how we can prevent or relieve some of the frustration. My book That's Not What I Meant! showed that people have different conversational styles. So when speakers from different parts of the country, or of different ethnic or class backgrounds, talk to each other, it is likely that their words will not be understood exactly as they were meant. But we are not required to pair off for life with people from different parts of the country or members of different ethnic groups, though many choose to. We are expected to pair off with people of the other gender, and many do, for long periods of time if not for life. And whereas many of us (though fewer and fewer) can spend large portions of our lives without coming into close contact with people of vastly different cultural backgrounds, few people--not even those who have no partners in life or whose primary relationships are with same-sex partners---can avoid close contact with people of the other gender, as relatives and coworkers if not as friends.

10 That's Not What I Meant! had ten chapters, of which one dealt with gender differences in conversational style. But when I received requests for interviews, articles, and lectures, 90 percent wanted me to focus on 10. percent of the book --the chapter on male-female differences. Everyone wanted to know more about gender and conversational style. I too wanted to find out more. Indeed, I had decided to become a linguist largely because of a course taught by Robin Lak-off that included her research on gender and language. My first major linguistic study was of gender and cultural differences in indirectness, and I was fairly familiar with others' research on the topic. But although I had always inhabited the outskirts of gender research, I had not leaped into its inner circle, partly because the field is so controversial. Whenever I write or speak about conversational style differences between women and men, sparks fly.