9 Protecting Marriage from Outside Intruders

1 9 ProtectingMarriagefromOutsideIntrudersMa ny marriedcouplesexperiencethattheirrelatio nshipchangesover rstyearsof therelationship,theyhadspent many sharejoys,hurts, a closenessbetweenthetwo of themthatjustmadethemwant to getto know therelationshipprogresses,theconstraints of everyday lifeseemto take controlof theirmarriage:children,career,friends& relatives,church, { allverygood inthemselves,butin theenda realizethattheirrelationshiprevolves morearoundsuch thingsandpeoplethanaroundeach seemsto have disappearedandalthoughbothspousesrealize how much theysu erfromthat,theyhave noideahowto dealwiththeemptinessthathascreptinto ectstherelationshipThesituationthatI justdescribed is morecommonthatwe may wishto believe andcannotbe solved by thefeelingthattheyaretheonlyoneswhoinves tinto themarriagewhiletheotheronejustgoes afterhisor bothspousestryto make theirmarriagework,theymay feelanincreasingdistancebetweeneach is simplerthanwe may want to realize:we lettheoutsideintrudeinto ,of justhappens.}

2 Becausewe may believe thatas longas we don'tbreakoutof ourmarriage,nothingbadmayenterinto thingsin theworldthatcompeteforourlove, andsometimestheseforcesareso strongthattheygetbetweenus fewexamplesof such Intruders . Work Children Outsidehobbiesandinterests Sports In-laws Friends Church Financialinvolvements Television Internet Computergames Shopping Illness Addictions A airs145 Mostof thesearen'tbadin themselves,butthecanbe destructive fora relationship,whentheycomebetweena couple'slove. Thepressures,temptationsandevengen-uinel ygood 'twaitforinvitationto intrudeinto ourmarriage{ theyshow upby we want to prevent thatfromhappening,we mustbecomeactive have to recognizethedangersandputupwellbalancedb oundaries, needto learnto say noto them,beforetheyhave becomeso strong,thatwe can'tseemto fendthemo mustlearnto workdiligentlybutto say noto excessive demandsofourbossat work,as theywillgrow if we give in to themtoo have to teachlimitsto ourchildren,so thattheylearnto respectourneedto have to learnto honorourparents whilestillbeingableto say noto or whoever we'redealingwith{ we have to make clearthatonlyonehumanbeingcanhave toppriority in startthat,themoredi cultit willbe.}}

3 Butit is never too lateto notjusta is a nolongertwo, ,whatGod hasjoinedtogether,letnomanseparate(Matth ew19:6).We mustguardourmarriage,so mustprotectitscore{ thelove 'tcomeforfree{ itwillcostus a onlyas strongas whatwe investinto thepreviouschapterwe talkedaboutvaluesandthatwe willonlygetwhatwevaluehighly. if we donotputa veryhighvalueonwhatwillmake ourmarriagegrow,thenotherin uenceswilltake we investinto ourmarriageandspendtime,e ort,andsacri cein protectingourmarriagefromsuch in uences,thechancesfor(eventually)havinga rock ,thekingdomof heavenis like a merchantlookingfor greatvalue,he wentaway andsoldeverythinghe hadandboughtit.(Matthew13:45{46).Themerc hant in is a pearlthatwe treasureso highlythatwe \forsake allothers",asmany weddingsvowssay. Thisis noteasy. We pay a highpriceto preserve it,butwe know it is much moreworththanwhatwe pay designedto be anexclusive club,a two-personarrangement thatprovidesa safeplaceforeach spouse' nospacefora thirdparty to receive anequalsharein a Marriage ,becausethatcaneasilydisruptthes afety of thirdparty present, ourlove partof ourheartis taken awayfromourspouse,whereit belongs,andbrought to instance.}}}

4 146 a wifemay tellherbestfriendhow unhappy sheis withherhusband'sbehaviorbut{ outof misunderstood submission{ doesn'tlethimknow herfeelings, a husbandmay be moreinvestedin hisparents thanin hiswife, a spousemakes herchilda con dant andbecomescloserto it thanto situationsseldomlyariseoutof badintentionsbutneverthelessbetray thetrustbetweenthespousesandfracturetheu nionthatGod hadintendedto developin , as such situationsarecalled,is painfulandunjust,becausea thirdparty receives whatis dueto hatesthedeceptionandindirectnessof triangu-lation{ becauseit is honesty andlove thatbuilda Marriage ,nottherecommendationsof .. anda gossipseparatesclosefriends(Proverbs16:2 8).Instead,speakingthetruthin love,we willin all thingsgrow upintohimwhois thehead,thatis Christ(Ephesians4:15)Ofcourse,we allneedclosefriendsin whomwe cancon deandwhocon thatdrives us away fromourspouse,we certainlysteppedover , if you ndyourselfin thesituationwherea friendcon desin youbutnotin herspouse,be awareof thedangersof spiteof yourgoodintentionsandwillingnessto help,youmay actuallydrive thecoupleapartif youdon'tinsistthatyourfriendtalksto herspouse requiresa greatdealof safety fortrueintimacyto grow, as it bringsoutthemostvulnerableandfragilepart sof ourpersonality.}}}

5 Wherethereis safety, we cancomeoutof thirdparty involved,thereis notenoughsafety forthesepartsto emergeandthebondbetweenthetwo spousescannotgrow others{ whetherto people,things,or tasks{ is noteasy. Sometimesitis hardwork,causesanxiety, andmay orderto sayyesto yourmarriage,youmustbe ableto saynoto thetime,resources,andenergyto doeverythingyouwant andto youdonotlearnto saynoto others,youwilleventually ndoutthatyouhave beensayingnoto morethankeepingthelove betweenyouandyourspousealive. Italsomeansforsaking,or thisreasona manwillleavehisfatherandmotherandbe unitedto hiswife,andtheywillbecomeone esh(Genesis2:24).Thisis noteasy. Many newlywedsfeeldisheartenedto ndthattheyhave to saynoto so many thingsto ,theycouldtake careof career,friends,sports,trips, theyrestrictedby theirmarriageandtheyalmostresent notanextensionof singleness,whereyoutake takes timeto buildtheconnectionbetweenthetwo of you{ a lotof time{ andthistimehasto be taken away orderto 'thave bothat youdon'tmakeforsakinga partof everyday life,youalways rundangerof addingthewrongthing(badin uences)to yourmarriageandsubtractingthegood (closenessandhonesty) \intruderproblems"areultimatelycausedby eitherof thetwo or notanintruderKeepingthirdpartiesoutof ourmarriagedoes of coursenotmeanthatwe shouldspendallof ourtimeonlywithourspouseandthatany outsiderelationshipandactivity is \bad"or anactof disloyalty.}}}}

6 Marriagewas designedby God as a unionbetweena mananda womanthatleadsto a ourprimeaddressfor ndingcomfort,help, was never designedto be idolatry, becauseonlyGod before all thingsandin himall thingsholdtogether(Colossians1:17).Thema rriagebondis onlyoneof many ways in which God which onespouseis thesolesourceof supportfortheotheroftenendupin a theparent shenever dothatoutof a misconceptionwhatmarriageis \child" somemarriagesbothspouses\parent" each otherin di erent ways { forinstancesheis theonlyemotionalcontactforherhusbandandi n turnhetakes over allthe nancialandbusinessaspectsof looklike a good arrangement,buttakento such anextremeit is nothealthy at Section7 we talkedabouttheneedforbothspousesto grow into nothave alltheresourcesthata alsoneedclosefriendswhocanmeetsomeof canreceive thelove, structure,andapproval we needalsofromthosewhohave God'sinterestsandvaluesin whoeverdoes thewillof myfatherin heavenis mybrotherandsisterandmother(Matthew12:50 ).}

7 In theendwe have to learnto avoidextremesand ndtheright needoutsiderelationshipsandactivitiestog etsomeof thesametimewe have to make surethattheseexternalin uencesdonotintrudeinto ourmarriageandtake a partof ourheartaway , intrudersdonotshow upunexpectedly. Theyarea signof somedeeperissuesin ,notthecauseof a airsdon'tsimplyhappen to a marriagethatwas healthy until \theother"showed ,otherthingsor peopleintrudeinto ourmarriagewhenwe experiencesomeformof strugglein is notthattheyhaven'tbeenthereallthetime,bu tnow we aremorewillingto allow themto comebetweenus marriagecontainscon ictor hurt,we tendto busyourselves in otherpeopleandactivities,becausethatis lesspainfulthanfacingsomeseeminglyunsolv ableproblemat homeday afterday. Theproblemdoes notgoaway, butactivity anesthetizesthede citsandpainandseemsto ,of course,otherpossiblereasonsforintrudersi n to dowithweaknessesin ourcharacter,which becomemoreapparent astheintimacybetweenus beforewe dealwiththewiththespeci cintruders,thatis thesymptoms,wehave to bringtherealissues,which promotethepresenceof intrudersin ourmarriage,to light anddealwiththem lookat someof naturalconsequenceof intimacyTheverynatureof emotionalintimacycanbecomeoneof thereasonsforvulnerabilityto know yourspouseas hereallyis, withallhisstrengthsandweaknesses,positiv e characteristicsandfaults,sins, noneedforbarriers,youaretheonepersonwhoi sallowed to seeit many aspectsof hispersonality thatyouhave never worse,youwilldiscover somenegativetraitsthatyouwouldhave never believedto have in yourownpersonality andyourspousehasto su traits,by de nition,arehardto live discover them,you willfacea newkindof challenge.

8 Youhave to acceptyourselfandyourspouseas bothofyouareright now andlearnto overcomeyournegative ,amongotherthings,is whatit meansto holdtogetherin good timesas well as in protects,always trusts,always hopes,always ( :7{8a)Butif youarenotyet ableto dealwithsuch shockingnewdiscoveries,thegrowingintimac ybetweenyou andyourspousemakes yourmarriagevulnerableto two all,noticingyourownweaknessesandimperfec tionscanbe a have many causes,such as Fearof beingrejectedby yourspouseforyour aws Fearof feelingincreasinglyinadequateor like a totalfailure149 Fearof havingto admitdependencyandneedforhelp Guiltthatyoumay be drainingyourspouseby yourproblemsFear,as we have mentionedso often,is theoppositeof no fear in , becausefear hasto do is notmadeperfectin love.( :18)If youareburdenedby such fears, breach in thetrustrelationshipandthiswillgive intrudersanopportunity to take a partof yourheartaway fromyourspouseanddevoteit tosomethingor nomeansbe lessened{ theyarejustcoveredupfora dowithdiscoveringthe awsandimperfectionsof , yourlove growsalongwiththerelationshipandtheincre asedopen-nesswillbe accompaniedby increasedgrace,compassion, Jesusandasked,\Lord,how manytimesshallI forgivemybrotherwhenhe sinsagainstme?}}

9 Upto seventimes?"Jesusanswered,\I tellyou,notseventimes,butseventy-seventi mes"(Matthew18:21{22).Donotjudge,or youtoo willbe ,andyouwillbe forgiven(Luke 6:37).If yourbrothersins,rebuke him,andif herepents, hesinsagainstyouseventimesin a day, andseventimescomesbackto youandsays \I repent",forgivehim(Luke 17:3{4).Butyoumay notbe readyto handlethenegative sidesof instance youmay want yourspouseto be strongerthanhe reallyis,Weaknesses youmay be disappointedin hisimperfectionsFailings youmay notbe ableto toleratelivingwitha sinnerSins youmay onlyacceptpositive emotionsNegativefeelings yourspouse'sfaultsmay remindyouof yourownAspectsof yourselfIf youlack compassionandforgiveness,youmay beginto distanceyourselffromyourspousewhenyouexp eriencehisnegative hisproblemsby passingjudgment onhimandpullingaway emotionally, which in turnwillallow thirdpartiesto stepin is nottheimperfectionitselfthatcausesthepro blem,butyourinability to 'tacceptyourownimperfectionsor thoseof yourspouse,yourwithdrawal isa threatto theintegrity of thisproblemis to take responsibility have to admityourfearto ndoutthatyourfearshadlittleto dowithreality.}}

10 In othercasesadmittingthemto yourmatemay to dealwithyourowncondemningspiritandrealiz ehow much yourspouseishurtby yourwithdrawal whenhedoes \somethingwrong".Andthenyoucanworkonboth of , it is veryhelpfulif a couplelearnssignalingto each otherwhenonefeelsthateitherlove andtrutharenotpresent. If you aretoo scaredto show somenegativetruthto yourspouse,youmay have to talkaboutthisfear thelove andcompassionof yourspouse,it is much easierto go into ,if yourspouseappearsdistant to you,youmay have to invitehimto letyouknow whatis completelyhonestwithyou,it willbe easierto connectin intrudersin a marriageis thatoneorbothof thespousesmay notbe awareof carea lotforeach other,butneverthelessspenda lotof to be involved withtheirspouse{ justnotright plenty of timefortakingcareof theirspouse.. later, forbeinginvolvedwiththeirspousenever comes,at often,theproblemhasnotjustto dowiththe\limitless"spouse,whojeopar-diz esthemarriageby givingtoo much roomto alsohasto dowiththepeoplewhoenablethiskindof behaviorandprotecthimfromseeingthenatura lconsequencesof oftentherehasbeensomeoneelsewhopickedupt hepieces, rsttheparents,laterfriendsandco-workers, shouldhebecomeanxiousabouthisgrowingmarr iageproblems?}