EXPLORING THE KARPMAN TRIANGLE - Sonia Levine

1 EXPLORING THE KARPMAN TRIANGLESONIA LANCY LEVINES enior Faculty The Daring Way BY PSYCHIATRIST STEPHEN KARPMANMODEL OF DYSFUNCTIONAL INTERACTION IN RELATIONSHIPSCAN TRAVEL AROUND THE TRIANGLE WITH YOURSELF OR OTHERSCAN BE APPLICABLE IN ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS, FRIENDSHIPS, WITHIN ORGANIZATIONS, SCHOOLS the drama (MARTYR)3I M NOT OK, BUT YOU ARE, SO FIX ME!LESS THAN, ONE DOWNUSES GUILT, SYMPATHY SEEKING, PITY TO GET NEEDS METACTS OUT OF SENSE OF POWERLESSNESSCORE BELIEFCOPING Nobody ever asks How sWa l d o ?

2 (CARETAKER)5I M OK, BUT YOU RE NOT, SO I LL FIX YOUONE UP, BETTER THANSEEKS APPROVAL/ WORTHINESS THROUGH HELPING/FIXINGACTS OUT OF A SENSE OF LOVE, COMPASSION, OR DUTYCORE BELIEFCOPING MECHANISMMAY SATISFY SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY, OR AVOID GUILT AND (CARETAKER)6 ENABLE, CARE-TAKE, RESCUE, FI X, PEOPLE-PLEASE, ASSUMEFAI L TO CONFRONT, FAI L TO SET BOUNDARI ESTHE WAYS WE RESCUEDENY, TOLERATE, JOIN IN, KEEP SECRETS, BUY GIFTS, BE A SUPER-PA R E N T / S P O U S E / W O R K E RPERFECTIONISM/OVERWORKI (OFFENDER)7I M OK, BUT YOU RE NOT, SO YOU NEED TO DO WHAT I TELL YOU!

3 ONE UP, BETTER THANFEELS SENSE OF WORTH/POWER THROUGH OFFENDINGACTS OUT OF ANGER, RESENTMENT, REVENGE, SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT, SHAMECORE BELIEFCOPING Look at you folding laundry two days before couples therapy (OFFENDER)9 ABUSE: EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, PHYSICAL, SEXUALDRINKING, EATING, AFFAIRS, SPENDING, WAYS WE OFFEND/VICTIMIZEPA S S I V E A G G R E S S I V E B E H AV I O R SCRITICISM, TEASING, SHAMING, WITHDRAWING, BEING LATE, SARCASM, CYNICISM, TAKING, SIGHING, RAISING EYEBROWS, PATRONIZING, BEING SELF-RIGHTEOUS, NEGATIVE SELF-TALK, I LLNESS, & COSTSVICTIM10 RECEIVES PITY GET NEEDS MET BY RESCUER.

4 FEELS CARED ABOUT, LOVED CONTROLS OTHERS THROUGH GUILT SHAME AND PITY AV O I D S R E S P O N S I B I L I T Y B Y BLAMING FEELS HELPLESS AND TRAPPED LACKS PERSONAL POWER LIVING A HALF LIFEPAY O F F & COSTSRESCUER11 FEELS SAINTLY, SUPERIOR MAY GAIN A FALSE SENSE OF CONTROL SEEKS LOVE, APPROVAL, CONNECTION THROUGH HELPING CONCENTRATES ON OTHERS AND CAN AVOID SELF GAINS RESPECT OF OTHER RESCUERS HELPS WHEN THEY DON T WANT TO, WHEN OTHERS HAVE NOT ASKED, OR EVEN WHEN HARMFUL TO SELF OR OTHERS GETS TIRED AND DEPLETED FEELS UNAPPRECIATED (SELF PITY)

5 CONSUMED WITH RESENTMENTPAY O F F It s always good dog Never great dog COSTS PERPETRATOR 13 AV O I D S D I S C O M F O RT A N D F E E L I N G S BY OFFENDING OTHERS MAY ACT OUT OF ANGER OR REVENGE AND FEEL JUSTIFIED FEELS A SENSE OF PSEUDO POWER AND WORTHINESS BY SCARING VICTIMS ABLE TO BE IRRESPONSIBLE, FEEL SUPERIOR, AND AVOID FEAR EXPERIENCES LONELINESS, LACKS INTIMACY LACKS HELPFUL, HONEST FEEDBACK BECAUSE OF OTHERS FEAR LACK OF RESPECT FROM OTHERS (AND SELF)PAY O F F Let s stop this before we both say a lot of things we mean BE CLEAR.

6 15 VICTIM ROLE BEING VICTIMIZEDRESCUER ROLE SERVICE TO THOSE IN WAY INUNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONSWHAT IS THE STORY I AM MAKING UP? WAY IN17I AM NOT ENOUGHWHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? IS THE INTENSELY PA I N F U L F E E L I N G O R EXPERIENCE, THAT I AM FLAWED AND UNWORTHY OF BELONGING (MARTYR)19 SHAME SAYS I WILL NEVER BELONG, VICTIMPERPETRATORRESCUER IF SOMEONE DOESN T LOVE ME OR LIKE ME THAN I MUST NOT BE LIKEABLE OR LOVEABLE I WILL NEVER HAVE WHAT I NEED OR WA N T WHY ME? POOR ME! IT S NOT FAIR! ETCCORRELATES WITH SHAME SHIELD OF MOVING AWAY (CARETAKER)SHAME SAYS I AM NOT ENOUGH, SO.

7 20 VICTIMPERPETRATORRESCUER LET ME CARE FOR YOU DO FOR YOU BAKE YOU CUPCAKES ETCCORRELATES WITH SHAME SHIELD OF MOVING TOWARDS (OFFENDER)21 SHAME SAYS I AM UNLOVEABLE, UNLIKEABLE VICTIMPERPETRATORRESCUER IF HE/SHE ONLY LOVED ME THEN HE ETCCORRELATES WITH SHAME SHIELD OF MOVING AGAINST PLAY22 PerpetratorRescuerVictimWHAT ROLES ARE THE CHARACTERS PLAYING?WAT C H H O W THEY MOVE AROUND THE WAY OUT:RISING STRONG23 WA L K I N T O Y O U R S T O RY RECOGNIZE EMOTIONS AND GET CURIOUS ABOUT OUR FEELINGS AND HOW THEY CONNECT WITH THE WAY WE THINK AND BEHAVETHE RECKONINGTHE RUMBLETHE REVOLUTION OWN OUR STORY GET HONEST ABOUT THE STORIES WE ARE MAKING UP ABOUT OUR STRUGGLE THEN CHALLENGE THESE CONFABULATIONS AND ASSUMPTIONS TO DETERMINE WHAT S TRUTH, WHAT S SELF PROTECTION.

8 AND WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE IF WE WANT TO LEAD MORE WHOLEHEARTED LIVES WRITE A NEW ENDING TO OUR STORY BASED ON THE KEY LEARNINGS FROM THE RUMBLE USE THIS NEW BRAVER STORY TO CHANGE HOW WE ENGAGE WITH THE WORLD, ULTIMATELY LEADING TO TRANSFORMATI WAY OUTTOOLS & PRACTICES24 SELFCOMPASSIONEXPLORE & SET & MAINTAINBOUNDARIES SFD TAC T IC ALBREATHINGMINDFULNESSCHOOSE COURAGEOVERCOMFORTWORKFROM ASSUMPTIONS AND INTENTIONSOF COMPASSIONAND GRACEGET CURIOUS:EXPLORE OUR STORYPERMISSIONSLIPSSELFCAREQUESTION Strong by Dr.

9 Bren BrownDaring Greatly by Dr. Bren BrownGifts of Imperfection by Dr. Bren YOU! Sonia Levine , LPC, SEP Senior Faculty The Daring Way Georgia 26