Karpman Drama Triangle - Julia Crane Counselling

1 Julia Crane Counselling Page 1 of 4 Relationship difficulties? Watch out for these dynamics. If you're having difficulties in your relationship and find yourself going round in circles and resolving nothing, understanding the Karpman Drama Triangle may help you to get a handle on the dynamics and make healthy changes. The Drama Triangle , originally described by the psychiatrist Stephen Karpman in 1968, is a game which is frequently played (unconsciously) in relationships, often with painful consequences. It comes about as a result of strategies that each partner develops in childhood, often in response to unmet needs, abuse, or neglect.

2 Each player in the game has a primary starting position on the Triangle , from which they get hooked into the game. Once they are on the Triangle , they automatically rotate through all the positions, going completely around the Triangle , sometimes in a matter of minutes, or even seconds, many times every day! Whatever your primary position, living on the Drama Triangle creates misery and suffering. The main aim of each player is to avoid pain; however the strategies adopted only end up generating greater pain in the end.

3 Everyone involved in trian- gular dynamics ends up in the victim position, feeling hurt and angry, at some point. This is a game with no winner. Julia Crane Counselling Page 2 of 4 The Primary Starting Positions Rescuer Rescuers need someone to rescue (the Victim) in order to feel valued, vital and important. They see themselves as good and caring, and are unaware of how they smother, control and manipulate others. They have a misguided understanding of what it is to encourage, empower and protect; they tend to be overly protective - the one who wants to fix it.

4 Rescuers usually grow up in families where their dependency needs are not acknowl- edged. As human beings, we tend to treat ourselves the way we were treated as children. Rescuers learn to suppress their own unmet needs and turn instead to caring for others. Caring behaviour often brings a great deal of satisfaction and reward for the Rescuer; however, the underlying hope is: "if I take care of them long enough, eventually they'll start caring for me." However, this rarely happens, and the resulting disappointment can send the Rescuer spiraling into the victim position of martyr: After all I ve done for you, this is the thanks I get?

5 Or No matter how much I do, it s never enough ; or, If you loved me, you wouldn t treat me like this! Rescuers' greatest fear is that they will end up alone. They believe that their total value comes from how much they do for others. To avoid abandonment, they therefore strive to make themselves indispensable, unaware of the dependency they are creating in the other person; the more they rescue, the less responsibility the other person takes, so the Rescuer increases the rescuing, resulting in a downward spiral towards the victim position, where they feel resentful and taken for granted.

6 Persecutor Persecutors identify themselves primarily as victims. They are usually in complete denial about their behaviour. When you draw their attention to their blaming tactics, they justify it on the grounds of self- defence. The Persecutor role is most often assumed by people who were physically or emotionally abused in childhood. In order to survive, they repress deep- seated feel- ings of worthlessness and hide their pain behind a fa ade of indignant wrath and uncaring detachment. Persecutors see the world as a dangerous place: It's a dog eat dog world out , and may emulate their childhood abuser, preferring to iden- tify with someone they see as having power and strength, rather than see themselves as a "loser".

7 In other words, they become perpetrators, "protecting" themselves using controlling and punishing methods in order to avoid feelings of helplessness and shame. The Persecutor's greatest fear is powerlessness. Because they can't acknowledge their feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, fear and vulnerability, they project these Julia Crane Counselling Page 3 of 4 disowned feelings onto someone they perceive as weak (the Victim). Like Rescuers, Persecutors unconsciously need a Victim in order to maintain their idea of who they are and what the world is like.

8 Just as the Rescuer needs someone to fix, the Perse- cutor needs someone to blame. It can feel very threatening for someone in a Persecutor mindset to get really honest with themselves. To do so feels like blaming themselves, which only intensifies their internal condemnation. Anger may be the only way they have of dealing with chronic depression. Victim Victims believe they cannot take care of themselves. They see themselves as consis- tently unable to handle life. We all need help and support from time to time - that's normal.

9 It s only when we become convinced that we can t take care of ourselves, believing that we are frail, powerless or defective, that we move into the Victim role which keeps us dependent on others. Victims define themselves as intrinsically defective or "wrong" and incapable. They deny both their problem- solving abilities and their potential for personal power, and see themselves as inept at handling life. Their greatest fear is that they won t make it, so they are constantly on the lookout for someone stronger or more capable to take care of them.

10 However, they often feel highly resentful towards those on whom they depend. As much as they insist on being taken care of by their primary rescuers, they do not like to be reminded of their shortcomings. The very thing a Rescuer seeks - validation and appreciation - is the thing Victims most resent giving, as it reminds them of their own perceived deficiencies. Victims eventually get tired of being in the one- down position and begin to find ways to feel equal, usually by moving into the Persecutor role. This often comes in the form of sabotaging the efforts made to rescue them, often through passive- aggressive behavior.